I'm A Child Behaviour Expert – Here's Why You Should Never Tell Them They're On The Naughty List
The naughty list has a long and not entirely distinguished history.
The naughty list extends beyond the day prior to the arrival of the big man. As soon as the tree is up, (November 6 for the over-committed), enter the Elf on the frickin shelf. A cheeky little imp who seems to spend his time grassing your children up to his boss.
Aside from being discovered in the morning having ripped up the post or having pooed in the coffee, the Elf is another agent of Christmas terror.
In some homes there are fake surveillance cameras installed that apparently link directly to a wall of screens in Lapland. I kid you not. Presumably Papa Noel sits watching the screens looking for naughtiness while eating picked onion Monster Munch and supping eggnog. It all seems like harmless child surveillance, unless you are a 5-year-old child. Then it is nasty.
Of course, it isn’t just the parent who refers to the naughty list. Grannies, grandads, friends, visitors, that weird bloke at the shop, they are all at it: ’Have you been good? Are you on the naughty list? He won’t bring you anything if you aren’t good. Have you been naughty for mummy?’
Soon everyone is talking about it. A child’s behaviour becomes the main talking point. From the most well behaved to the trickiest, they all have to deal with the same nonsense.
Their conduct quickly becomes central to the success or failure of the big day. A friend described how she has convinced her beautifully behaved 5-year-old that she sends all the Christmas presents to Lapland and then he will decide if she gets any of them. This is upping the game. The threat of losing a stocking pales into insignificance when compared to the gamble of losing everything.
Christmas, it seems, is no longer a time for generosity but an annual opportunity to remind children that gifts are conditional.
In the adult world cumulative lists of your crimes don’t go down well.
The naughty list at work wouldn’t get past Maureen in HR, a naughty list from your friends would result in a cold hard stare and a naughty list from your partner is often kept but should never be spoken aloud. Adults don’t have to account for their poor behaviour on a minute-by-minute basis. They don’t have to earn their gifts.
The language that you use with your children is the lens that they use to see themselves.
Call a child naughty often enough and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, think ‘Oh I am naughty am I, well watch this….’.
Once they believe they are naughty/bad/trouble/feral/stupid they route everything through it. If you want to improve a child’s behaviour calling them naughty is a sure way to fail. Even if you just confine it to December.
Managing children’s behaviour is counter intuitive
You don’t improve your child by pointing out their faults and labelling them with ‘deficit language’. Even if it feels like the right thing to do. You change their behaviour by building on the good stuff. You get more of the behaviour that you notice most.
Rather than spending your time picking up own every bad move and irritated shrug, start noticing the positive. ‘Love how you did that straight away, you are very kind’. Notice the positive regularly, consistently, daily. ‘Thank you for sharing, you are so generous with your sister’.
Bring out the best behaviours, highlight them for and with your child. Catch them doing the right thing and show them your pride at their selflessness, kindness, respectfulness. Grow behaviours from their green shoots. ‘Alfie thank you for being down early and ready for breakfast. Oh, you didn’t realise the hour had changed? Still impressive though’.
Even if you have to fake it to make it.
Positive noticing is relational gold. In the adult world it is just as effective. That note you got from your boss thanking you for a job well done still sits on your desk months later. A moment of recognition from a friend can last a lifetime. Being positively noticed by your own child is unbeatable. People want to feel noticed.
So throw away the naughty list and just have a brilliant list. Don’t make your gifts conditional give them because you love your child, with all their faults. Get rid of the Elf, preferably in a mincer and start celebrating your child this Christmas.
Why try to squash behaviours with threats/punishment/surveillance when you can grow new ones with love?
Paul Dix is a specialist in children’s behaviour, the author of When the Parents Change, Everything Changes and the founder of the international training company, When the Adults Change.