My wife and her ex are competing to see who can spoil their kids more. How do I get them to stop before they're both out of money?

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• For Love & Money is a column from Business Insider answering your relationship and money questions.
• This week, a reader's wife is overspending after leaving her husband.
• Our columnist says the reader should find healthy ways to form a positive connection with the stepkids.
• Got a question for our columnist? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.

Dear For Love & Money,

My wife and I got married a little over a year ago. When we first met, my wife realized she was attracted to women. She left her husband when she fell in love with me.

Her teen children blame me for ruining their family, and while she and I recognize it's more nuanced than that, we understand why they feel that way. We have done everything we can to let them feel their feelings; I've tried hard not to come on too strong or be too much of an authority figure.

Nothing seems to work. They are only getting angrier, and my wife is trying to make up for it by buying them everything they want. Name brand clothes, newest phones — she will not tell them no.

Now, her ex seems to be competing with us over who can spoil the kids more, which has upped the ante even more. I hate to be the one to shut down the spending frenzy when the kids already despise me, but we can't afford this lifestyle. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Unwilling Wicked Stepmother

Dear Unwilling Wicked Stepmother,

Reading your letter, I see two conflated relationships — your relationship with your stepchildren and your wife's relationship with her children. I understand why the lines have been blurred. Your wife wants her children to love you as much as she loves you, and she's also attempting to apologize for your presence in their lives and everything that it represents. Add a competitive, spendy ex into the equation, and you've got a spending-palooza on your hands.

The first thing you can — and should — do is opt out. Do not participate in your wife's efforts to buy her children's love and forgiveness, and ask her not to put your name on items she has unnecessarily purchased for the kids — even when she's doing it to make you look good. Asking for this without sounding critical will be difficult because, essentially, it is a criticism, which is why you must be thoughtful about when and how you broach the topic.

Wait for a time when you and your wife aren't around the kids, and she is discussing her plans to spend big. Let your wife know that you see her good intentions and appreciate them but that you are also becoming worried about your finances and would like to begin accounting for these purchases in the monthly budget.

This will require you both to agree to a certain number for miscellaneous spending on the kids, which will help you limit overspending. As a parent myself, I know how easy it can be to see $20 for the movies here and $100 for a new pair of sneakers there as one-offs that won't affect the budget enough to really count.

By emphasizing the financial impact these purchases are having on your family, you will alert your wife to how quickly those purchases add up, and she'll likely slow down her spending of her own accord.

Assuring her that you feel confident enough in yourself, your marriage, and the kids to try to navigate their dislike of you without using your wallet as a crutch will also go a long way.

This is why it's crucial that you and your wife differentiate between the apology she is trying to give in the form of money and the ingratiation you're both trying to accomplish.

If you are just trying to win your way into their hearts, there are plenty of ways to do that besides giving them presents. You can work on forming inside jokes by texting them memes and funny videos, helping them with their homework, and creating memories together in simpler ways — like walking the dog together or helping them clean up the kitchen after dinner.

Teens are inherently skeptical, so they're unlikely to engage if they get even a whiff of an ulterior motive. Seeking their forgiveness for breaking up their parents' marriage is absolutely an ulterior motive, and it's one you're unlikely to ever satisfy. They may be unable to offer this forgiveness, even if they want to.

Instead, work on building a relationship with them on the strength of your love for their mother and your interest in them, rather than one dependent on them feeling OK about the origin of your presence in their lives.

By forming this relationship with her children, you will also demonstrate to your wife that the price of the family she is desperate to recreate isn't hundreds of thousands of dollars. Instead, all it will take is sincere effort, authentic connection, and more time than she probably wants to wait.

You mentioned in your letter that you have both made an effort to let the kids feel their feelings, but by trying to buy their love through material things, you've actually been trying to manage their emotional processes. But your first instinct was the right one. You don't need to usher their feelings straight from grief over their loss straight to gleeful acceptance. Instead, show your stepchildren that you're here — not just for their mom, but for them, too — and you're not going anywhere.

Rooting for you,

For Love & Money

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