How To Cope At Christmas When You’re Consumed By Grief

As the office radio blared the Christmas classic “I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday” by Wizzard, I was racing outside to take a call from my mum telling me that my nan had been taken to hospital and it wasn’t looking good.

My nan, who had played a huge part in raising me, had called me her ‘one true friend’ and who shamelessly loved Christmas more than anybody I knew, died four days later. She didn’t make it to Christmas but the celebrations went on, even as I felt my world had stopped.

Seven years later, I sat in a taxi as the driver blared ‘Stay Another Day’ in what was a cruel twist of fate as I’d just learned that my uncle was going to die within days from an aggressive form of cancer.

The song that was once a tacky festive favourite of mine was almost mocking my unthinkable situation.

Thankfully, my uncle did see Christmas that year but had spent it knowing he was about to die and he left us on December 29th.

Now, Christmas feels like a very different beast than it used to. Instead of wandering mindlessly around festive markets, I instead feel suffocated by the ‘joy’ that this season supposedly brings. I feel sick to my stomach with grief and nostalgia for a time when my family was bigger, happier and not in an apparently endless state of mourning.

A time when December didn’t fill me with dread.

According to Bianca Neumann, Assistant Director of Bereavement at Sue Ryder, my experience is common. She said: “The anticipation of Christmas can often be worse than the actual day itself. But unfortunately, for many, it is very common that grief is more intense and harder to deal with throughout the holiday season.”

It’s a complex mix for me, at least. Not only do I not feel like celebrating but even when I try to, all I can think about is how they should be here with us, celebrating too.

Neumann urges that this grief can come in many forms, saying: “Maybe you’re bursting into tears when you least expect it, perhaps you feel angry at the people around you, or maybe you’re feeling anxious, worrying about how you’ll feel or how you’ll get through it.

“Know that these feelings are all normal, and that you’re not on your own this Christmas.”

How to cope with Christmas when you’re grieving 

Bianca Neumann shared her tips for getting through this not-so-festive season if you’re missing somebody:

Think about what you want to do 

Neumman says: “You shouldn’t feel pressured to have Christmas as usual if it doesn’t feel right, although celebrating as you normally would, might be a comfort to you.

“This will be different for each person after a bereavement, so plan for a Christmas you feel comfortable with and give yourself permission to do what you want to do.”

Of course, no plan has to stay firm, either. Neumann urges that if you’re finding things difficult, you have the right to step away from the usual traditions and rituals until you feel that you’re ready to pick them up again.

She added: “Remember that all emotions, whether they are ones of sadness, joy or any other, take up energy. You might not know how you’ll be feeling from one day to the next, so be kind to yourself and try not to ‘over-do’ things.

“Take a break and, if you’ve got a hectic couple of days ahead of you, schedule in some quiet time – whether that’s going for a walk if you need to, setting aside a few minutes to yourself with a cup of tea, or spending some time writing in a journal.”

Forget the ‘should’

While it’s easy to get caught up in the expectations of Christmas, Neumann says: “Don’t feel guilty about the things you think you ‘should’ be doing and know that it’s okay to not be okay.

“Christmas can be a difficult time for anyone grieving and it can be tricky to escape with festive songs playing in every shop, cards coming in the post and re-runs of old favourites on TV.”

Let the tears flow if you need to

Neumann says letting yourself feel your feelings is essential: “As much as you may fear that you won’t stop crying once you start – you will, and you may even feel a little better for doing so.  Tears can make us feel relaxed and less anxious, that’s why we often feel relief after a good cry. 

“They are also a visible sign to others, signalling the need for support.”

Be open about your decisions 

Once you’ve had a think about how you want to approach the holiday season, you may find it helpful to be open with those close to you. 

Having conversations with friends and family about how you feel and what your plans are can help everyone support you in ways which are sensitive to your grief. 

Consider old and new traditions 

Neumann advises: “For many people, Christmas comes hand in hand with a number of traditions that can be linked to memories of the person you are grieving. This can leave you feeling upset, especially when you aren’t able to do these traditions in the same way.

“To help you get through this difficult time, consider the traditions and what they mean for you and those around you.”

She suggests that changing old or creating new traditions may help the children in your family, particularly if they’re struggling, too.

Some ideas include:

• Buying or making your own Christmas ornament or bauble to remember those who have died. If a photograph feels too much, then perhaps use a ribbon of their favourite colour or a sentimental object.
• Bringing out the person’s stocking, or make one for them, so that you, your friends and family can fill it with cards, messages or letters. You can decide as a family whether you then would like to share these out-loud or keep them private.     
• Having a small Christmas tree or memory wreath set up somewhere within your home in honour of the person who has died. You could decorate this tree or wreath with their favourite colours, photographs or any meaningful objects or messages.
• Making a paper chain with a message or memory of the person written on to each ‘link’.
• Buying a big candle in honour of them and lighting it for periods of reflection and remembrance.
• Making an object or cash donation to a charity you know the person you are mourning would have supported in their honour. 
• Setting a place at the dinner table for the person who is not there or making a toast to them at the Christmas meal.
• Decorating their headstone or plaque on Christmas Day.  
• Representing the person who has died through an object or symbol in your annual family Christmas photograph, if that’s something you do. 
• Do something from your own bucket list or something the person who has died has missed out on. For example, join an annual Christmas/Boxing Day swim, volunteer on Christmas Day or spend it in nature and go for a hike. Whatever you choose, it is OK to do something that makes that time meaningful to you.

Sue Ryder offers a range of online bereavement support.

Help and support:

• Mind, open Monday to Friday, 9am-6pm on 0300 123 3393.
• Samaritans offers a listening service which is open 24 hours a day, on 116 123 (UK and ROI - this number is FREE to call and will not appear on your phone bill).
• CALM (the Campaign Against Living Miserably) offer a helpline open 5pm-midnight, 365 days a year, on 0800 58 58 58, and a webchat service.
• The Mix is a free support service for people under 25. Call 0808 808 4994 or email help@themix.org.uk
• Rethink Mental Illness offers practical help through its advice line which can be reached on 0808 801 0525 (Monday to Friday 10am-4pm). More info can be found on rethink.org.