I got so drunk at the office party I snogged a gatecrasher on the dancefloor… that’s the fun of Xmas, says Vanessa Feltz
IT’S a terrible shame Gen Z want to take the magic out of Christmas.
From pagan pre Christian times, this time of year has been the gloomiest, the longest, the most wretched.
Christmas is designed to be a beacon of self-indulgent feasting.
It allows you to behave in your least wise way – spend too much money, drink too much, eat too much, snog somebody unsuitable, photocopy your bum at the office party, all the usual stuff.
Then you’ve got till Spring when the daffodils come out to regret it.
You feel sorry, you start dieting, you have your New Year resolutions. There’s no point having resolutions if you haven’t done anything wrong.
If you are just prudent and restrained and sensible through Christmas, what the hell are you gonna do with the first part of 2025?
So Gen Z hate boozy office parties? Nearly half of them – 48 per cent – won’t have a single drink over the festive season. I think that’s a terrible thing.
I have made some of my most brutal and embarrassing mistakes at office parties.
One that comes to mind was the BBC Radio London party many years ago.
Yes, I was floored, yes I was drunk, yes, I copiously got off with a gatecrasher right in the middle of the dance floor.
But I stood by it the next day. It’s got to be done, it’s a rite of passage.
You feel dreadful, but if you didn’t do it you’ve got nothing to feel terrible about and that’s even worse.
Gen Z have had a sense of humour bypass, it’s a real shame.
The whole point about Christmas is relax, man, don’t overthink it.
Why have they got it in for poor old Santa? More than half of them, 62 per cent, think he’s outdated and want him to shift 20lbs.
Well, they should get off his case. It’s a terrible idea. I suppose they want to prescribe him Ozempic.
How can he possibly stay slim if he has to sample those fabulous cookies, biscuits and the full fat milk left out for him by every single child all over the world?
It would be rude if he said, I’m not eating it, I’m having a slice of cucumber or a stick of celery.
Of course he’s not going to be a lean, mean present giving machine, he isn’t supposed to be.
Vanessa Feltz and Ben Ofoedu relationship timeline
2005
The couple meet at a Christmas party after being introduced by mutual friend Keith Duffy.
Ben tells OK! years later: “My first impression of you Feltzy was cheeky, very very cheeky and very very quick-witted.”
2016
The pair get engaged in December in Ireland after a whirlwind romance. Ben pulls out all the stops, covering their hotel bed in red roses.
2020
Ben teases on Loose Women that a ceremony is imminent. He says: “I think we’ll be making an announcement very, very soon.
2022
The stance changes significantly. Vanessa tells OK!: “I do think ‘never say never’, but I certainly haven’t made any plans for a wedding and I think we’re quite happy this way.”
2023
Shocked Vanessa announces the relationship is over, heartbroken by Ben’s infidelity.
He’s supposed to be comforting and round and cosy and well-upholstered.
And he’s quite an advanced age, he’s getting on in years, so you don’t expect him to have a figure of a young stripling, do you?
I really hope Santa doesn’t hear about this, because if he does, Gen Z are going to be very upset on Christmas morning, aren’t they?
They should keep their thoughts to themselves.
But they can’t even stop at Santa. They want to ruin the Christmas lunch, too.
They want to get rid of roast potatoes and replace them with chips. I think that is absolutely pathetic.
A chip is technically inept at Christmas. A chip, it’s autonomous, it exists on its own.
It’s not a harmonious part of a roast. For me, roasting a potato is a sacred rite.
I would say to Gen Z, don’t be so literal, be a bit more figurative, a bit more relaxed, a bit more lenient with yourself
Vanessa Feltz
When you’ve parboiled the potatoes, you put them in the colander to drain them, you give them a tremendous shake-up so that the surface becomes quite uneven, some bits fall off, then you cover them in oil, then you roast them.
So when they come out of the oven they’re really glistening and crunchy and juicy, just great.
You’ve got your slice of turkey which you cover in stuffing, you spread your cranberry sauce over your stuffing, spread some roast potato over the top of it and you mush a bit of some Brussel sprout on there.
If you can possibly open your mouth wide enough you cram in a pig in blankets at the same time.
You’ve got a whole taste sensation going on which you don’t get with a chip.
If Gen Z insist on having chips it just shows they don’t understand the kind of symbiotic nature of a traditional Christmas feast.
I would say to Gen Z, don’t be so literal, be a bit more figurative, a bit more relaxed, a bit more lenient with yourself.
Don’t jettison all the lovely things about Christmas and don’t be so humourless.
You’ve got to have something to regret when you get the menopause and you can’t sleep and you sit bolt upright at 2 o’ clock in the morning and think, I can’t believe I did that on a filing cabinet in 1992.
Don’t think that these traditions have erupted by accident. The reason people keep doing them is because they work really well.
I’ll be spending Christmas in Ireland with my children and grandchildren. Champagne, wine, Prosecco – I’ll be drinking all of the above till it runs out.
Then we’ll open the liquor we bought back from holidays, the dusty bottle of Ouzo.
We’ll be draining Feltz Towers dry, I should think. And why not, right?
So let me wish a merry, fun-filled, flawed and fabulous Christmas to all lovely Sun readers!