The Battle for Christmas: Which Christmas character would win an MMA Grand Prix?
Christmas is the best time of year, not because of the family or the kindness or the yuletide cheer, but because every year, Christmas brings with it one thing: freedom. For children, it’s freedom from school, for adults, freedom from work, and for us here at MMA Fighting, it’s the freedom to write about nearly anything we want.
No major MMA is happening over the next few weeks, which opens up the door for some more fun endeavors. Last year, that meant an 8,000-word short story about Willy Wonka teaching lessons to five MMA luminaries (which I believe is the best thing I’ve ever written). This year, we’re going slightly more traditional (only slightly).
A brilliant person by the name of Eli asked me a question recently, and it may be the best question I’ve ever received:
“Who would win a Pride-style tournament between all the Christmas characters? I’d imagine it’d be a toss-up between Santa and the Abominable Snowman, but I’d like to think Frosty would bring a Derrick Lewis-like energy to the fight.”
So, with no fights on the horizon for quite some time, how about we entertain a few fictional fights and answer this question, except with one major change: Pride Grand Prix were always 16-person events. There are FAR too many significant Christmas characters to only do a 16-team bracket. Let’s double it up and do 32 Christmas figures instead.
But who to include, and what exactly constitutes a Christmas character? Obviously, Santa Claus and Rudolph and Frosty are Christmas characters, but what about Jack Skelllington? Is he Christmas or Halloween? And, of course, there’s the never-ending debate about whether Die Hard counts as a Christmas movie.
So I made an executive decision: any character who is in a movie, TV show, song, commercial, poem, or book that features Christmas is up for grabs (so yes, Die Hard counts, and yes, Jack Skellington is in).
I then selected our 32 combatants and broke them up into four regions: Elemental, Villain, Anthropomorphic, and Regular Human Being. I then seeded the eight characters in each region, set up the bracket, and now it’s time to do our very own December Madness.
Let’s ring those silver bells and get it on!
Round of 32
Elemental Region
Santa Claus vs. Snow Miser
An epic battle to kick things off, Santa is, of course, the No. 1 overall seed for this entire tournament, but he draws a difficult opening matchup against Mr. Icicle, Mr. Ten Below himself. After all, Snow Miser is a gigantic ice elemental with the power to turn anything he touches to snow. That’s a pretty powerful guy.
Unfortunately for Snow Miser, the UFC doesn’t hold events outside, and as he says in his own song, “I never want to know a day that’s over 40 degrees.” Well, the T-Mobile Arena in Las Vegas is usually a tad warmer than that, and that’s more than enough for Santa to dominate. However, I think we can all agree that Snow Miser’s walkout would be sensational. The guy loves to put on a show.
Santa Claus def. Snow Miser via TKO (melting), R1.
Jack Frost vs. Jack Skellington
It’s a Jack-off here in the opening round!
Jack Frost is an interesting fighter because, depending on your source, he’s some combination of Old Man Winter and Puck from A Midsummer Night’s Dream. Trickster demigods are always a tough out, but he’s got a hard fight as he faces his fellow Jack because Skellington is the living personification of Halloween and a mythological equal to St. Nick.
If this fight were to take place in Halloweentown or during Halloween, Frost stands no chance; that would be like fist-fighting a shark in the middle of the ocean. But in the octagon, things get a little more even. Sadly for Frost, they don’t get even enough, as Skellington is still a massively powerful mythological character who is built for MMA. The Pumpkin King has an impressively long reach that he can use on the feet, and those long arms make him a dangerous submission threat at all times. Plus, he’s impervious to harm. Skellington can take off his own head for a joke, so what chance does a little Winter chill stand?
Skellington def. Jack Frost via Submission (Bermuda triangle choke), R2.
Ghost of Christmas Present vs. Krampus
Sometimes with tournaments like this, you need a play-in game. That’s what we did for the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Yet To Come. The three of them had a king of the hill to determine who would represent their interests, and, unsurprisingly, Present won the day. After all, he’s a jolly giant, whereas Past is ephemeral, and Yet to Come is extremely intimidating but ultimately impotent in dealing with current matters.
Krampus, meanwhile, is St. Nick’s right-hand man, but with a mean streak. After all, just imagine your brother does nothing but give out gifts to children, and you instead decide to hand out birch rods as punishment.
Anybody who has the internal makeup to punish children has the necessary meanness to succeed in the octagon. The Ghost of Christmas Present is simply too jovial and too caught up in the moment, and Krampus makes him pay.
Krampus def. The Ghost of Christmas Present via KO (horn smash), R2.
Mrs. Claus vs. Heat Miser
Tough opening matchup for Mrs. Claus. While her husband was well-suited to handle Snow Miser, Mrs. Claus does not have the same skillset. However, Mrs. Claus does have a particular set of skills that are a huge advantage here.
Yes, Heat Miser is Mr. Heat Blister, Mister 101, but you know what else he is? A mama’s boy. In The Year Without a Santa Claus, Mrs. Claus handled Mr. Green Christmas by having a word with his mom, Mother Nature, and she laid down the law. Do you think Heat Miser is going to risk his mother’s wrath by beating up Mother Christmas? Not a snowball’s chance in his house.
Mrs. Claus def. Heat Miser via forfeit.
Villain Region
The Grinch vs. The Mouse King
The No. 1 seed in the Villain Group, The Grinch has designs on stealing this whole thing. He’s not the biggest or the fastest, but he's crafty, and as we know, the man (thing? who?) has miles and miles of heart.
The Mouse King, contrastingly, has neither cleverness nor heart. He’s basically the exact opposite of Jerry. But while the Mouse King may be formidable with his army of mice, he doesn’t have those here in the octagon. And if Clara throwing a shoe at him can distract him long enough for the Nutcracker to defeat him, I have to believe The Grinch can find a way to get the Mouse King chasing after his own tail.
The Grinch def. The Mouse King via Unanimous Decision.
Mr. Potter vs. Hans Gruber
Mr. Potter is possibly the most truly evil person in this entire Grand Prix. He’s a duplicitous, scummy, slum lord with no redeeming qualities who actively tries to get a man to commit suicide. And while that sort of vile remorselessness would often mean he’s well-suited to MMA, he’s also a decrepit old man.
Hans Gruber, to put it bluntly, is not. Like Potter, Gruber is also abjectly evil, but unlike Potter, he’s exceedingly capable. After all, one does not just take over Nakatomi Towers. Moreover, while other characters might feel some reticence to wail on an old man like Potter, Gruber won’t hesitate at all. This is the most lopsided fight of the opening round.
Hans Gruber def. Mr. Potter via KO (flying knee), R1
Harry & Marv vs. Bumble, the Abominable Snowmonster of the North
You’re probably thinking to yourself, “This is an MMA fight, you can’t have two people!” Normally, you’d be right, but you’re forgetting that this is the Villain region. The Wet/Sticky Bandits don’t play by the rules.
Fortunately for Bumble, they are also incompetent buffoons. These are two grown men who got spun in circles by an eight-year-old twice! Now, the Abominable Snowman isn’t the brightest bulb, but he’s still a Bigfoot, and while Harry and Marv are undeniably tough, they aren’t ready for this yeti.
Bumble the Abominable Snowman def. Harry and Marv via dominant Unanimous Decision.
Ebenezer Scrooge vs. Scut Farkus
For most of A Christmas Carol, Scrooge is a bitter old man who hates nearly everything. However, one of the things we do know he can do is bully kids around. Scut Farkus may have been the terror of Warren G. Harding Elementary, but he also got whomped by a kid half his size. Scrooge has this one in the bag.
Ebenezer Scrooge def. Scut Farkus via Verbal Submission to Strikes, R2
Anthropomorphic Character Region
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer vs. Dominick the Donkey
This is a classic matchup of an elite guy taking on somebody who is just like him, only worse in every facet. Rudolph is an icon for a reason, and while we can all appreciate what Dominick the Donkey does for the children of Italy, this isn’t the regional circuit anymore. This is the best in the world we’re talking about and Dominick is simply out-classed.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer def. Dominick the Donkey via TKO (antler smash), R3.
Coca-Cola Polar Bear vs. Cindy Lou Who
Not only are the Coca-Cola Polar Bears friggin’ polar bears, they’re polar bears that are hopped up on sugar and caffeine. Now, is that a great long-term hydration method? No, no it’s not. But Cindy Lou Who is going to get swatted out of the cage before whichever bear competes has had time to sugar crash.
The Coca-Cola Polar Bear def. Cindy Lou Who via KO (mauling), R1.
The Nutcracker vs. Six Geese-A-Laying
We all know who The Nutcracker is. He’s a standup guy, maybe a little fancy, but he doesn’t mind putting in the work. Salt of the Earth. But have you ever met a goose?
Geese are quite possibly the meanest creatures God ever strung a gut through. And a mother goose with fresh eggs? Whoa, buddy, I’d rather tussle with an irate rattlesnake. And this is six of those suckers, too. As soon as the cage door closes, the Nutcracker will be beset on all sides by a blur of feathers, beaks, and pain. My guy needed Clara to throw a shoe to bail him out of a fight with mice; the geese are going to batter him.
Six Geese-A-Laying def. The Nutcracker via TKO (broken jaw), R2.
Frosty the Snowman vs. Max the Dog
Frosty the Snowman was a jolly, happy soul. That’s not exactly the kind of start we want when talking about a cage-fighting tournament. Neither is a button nose, I mean, talk about a target.
But that’s not Frosty’s biggest issue here. His biggest problem is that while Max the Dog isn’t a violent creature by nature, he is a dog, and dogs are the natural enemy of snow. Poor Frosty will be in a puddle in no time, and honestly, that’s a horrible way to go.
Max the Dog def. Frosty the Snowman via TKO (yellow snow), R1
Regular Human Region
Buddy the Elf vs. Tiny Tim
In every sports bracket, there’s a one-seed that looks beatable; Buddy is that for this one. No disrespect to the star of Elf, but this isn’t a snowball fight. Buddy has some skills but not a ton of combat skills. Fortunately, he’s matched up against a sickly child in the first round.
Look, we all respect Tiny Tim’s moxie, and we wish him nothing but the best, but it’s not clear why he even agreed to take part in this Grand Prix or how he was medically cleared to compete. However, here he is, and at least he won’t get hurt too badly as Buddy is a gentle soul.
Buddy the Elf def. Tiny Tim via Split Decision where Buddy accidentally hurts Tim by frolicking too hard together.
George Bailey vs. John McClane
Poor George Bailey. He was just starting to realize that It’s a Wonderful Life and now that life might end. Bailey is a good, decent person, but he’s got a lot of quit in him, and John McClane absolutely does not. This is a massacre.
John McClane def. George Bailey via TKO (beatdown), R1.
Ralphie Parker vs. Howard Langston
Talk about a matchup of guys who want it. Did you see Ralphie Parker wallop Farkus in A Christmas Story? Kid is twice his size and he took it took him. We love to see that sort of chutzpah. Except in this instance.
Aside from being Arnold Schwarzenegger, he’s also Turbo Man and goes all over Hell’s Half Acre to come through for his kid. Ralphie is a kid, but he’s not Langston’s kid, and we saw how he treated Sinbad in Jingle All the Way. Langston isn’t letting Ralphie win. The boy has heart, but this is a matter of physics.
Howard Langston def. Ralphie Parker via KO (Turbo Punch), R1.
Kevin McCallister vs. Yukon Cornelius
At eight years old, Kevin McCallister not only survived for a week on his own, he turned his parent’s home into a Saw-esque death trap to defend it against hardened criminals. Then he did it again with a random brownstone in New York! This kid is Hannibal from the A-Team; you give him enough prep time, and he’s unbeatable.
Credit to Yukon Cornelius for besting Bumble the Abominable Snowman, but he’s never tangled with this twisted little eight-year-old. McCallister is a dark horse to win the whole thing.
Kevin McCallister def. Yukon Cornelius via Verbal Submission (illegal strikes that the ref just let happen), R3.
Round of 16
Elemental Region
Santa Claus vs. Jack Skellington
I think we all anticipate Santa making a deep run in this Grand Prix, but he’s not getting any sugar-cookie matchups. In The Nightmare Before Christmas, we saw Skellington orchestrate Santa’s kidnapping, so we know he’s capable of pulling a fast one on Father Christmas.
That being said, things are different this time around. Père Noël isn’t going to be caught unaware, and while Skellington was crafty enough to outmaneuver Oogie Boogie, Santa’s bag isn’t just for toys, he’s got an awful lot of tricks in there as well.
Santa Claus def. Jack Skellington via Split Decision
Krampus vs. Mrs. Claus
This right here is a tale as old as time: in-laws feuding. After dispatching Skellington, Santa now has to watch his brother and his wife do battle, knowing he must face the winner. Which is better for St. Nick? He doesn’t want his wife to lose, but could he really fight her if he had to?
We’ll never know because Krampus takes her down. Mrs. Claus is only about 175 years old, while Krampus has possibly been around for millennia. That’s a big edge in experience for the old winter god.
Krampus def. Mrs. Claus via Unanimous Decision
Villain Region
The Grinch vs. Hans Gruber
One of the things that happens to all fighters as they age is they lose their edge. It’s hard to stay motivated for years on end, especially as you mature, and unfortunately for The Grinch, that’s what’s happened here.
A few years ago, when The Grinch was in peak hating form, he would have been nigh unstoppable. After all, the guy stole a holiday! That’s much more impressive than simply stealing money like Gruber tried (and failed) to do. But it’s not a few years ago. The Grinch made peace with The Whos, and now he’s all kumbaya. That’s not the proper mentality for a fistfight against a legitimate psychopath.
Hans Gruber def. The Grinch via TKO (slam), R1
Bumble, the Abominable Snowman vs. Ebenezer Scrooge
On paper, this should be a total mismatch. Scrooge is well past his prime and the Abominable Snowman is a freaking sasquatch. But that’s why we fight the fights, kids!
Yes, Bumble has a massive physical advantage, but he’s not exactly the most clever creature walking the Earth, and Scrooge has near-limitless resources due to his wealth. Ebenezer brings Yukon Cornelius into his camp to prepare and pulls off the massive upset.
Ebenezer Scrooge def. Bumble, the Abominable Snowman via TKO (doctor stoppage due to Robert Whittaker-esque tooth injury).
Anthropomorphic Region
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer vs. Coca-Cola Polar Bear
According to the World Wildlife Foundation, polar bears are natural predators of reindeer, so this is a pretty tough draw for Ruddy. As such, when the Jingle Bells ring to start this round, the Coca-Cola Polar Bear comes out aggressive and confident. Some might say too confident.
There’s a pretty big difference between Rudolph and any old reindeer because Santa’s No. 1 reindeer can also fly. Wild reindeer would fare a lot better against polar bears if they had the gift of levitation at their disposal, and Rudolph uses that, plus his blinding nose to evade and disorient the Coca-Cola Polar Bear. After a few minutes of wildly slashing around, the Coca-Cola Polar Bear’s gas tank plummets, and Rudolph’s rope-a-dope strategy pays off as the Coke mascot is betrayed by his own Coca-Cola consumption.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer def. The Coca-Cola Polar Beer via TKO (exhaustion), R3
Six Geese-A-Laying vs. Max the Dog
This is a massacre. Max was fortunate with a perfect stylistic matchup in the opening round, but he’s woefully ill-equipped to deal with six demonic hell-spawns besieging him. Even if you gave him his Rudolph antler, it wouldn’t be enough of an advantage. He’s forced to flee from the cage to protect himself, but the Geese chase him all the way through the crowd and into the back anyway.
Six Geese-A-Laying def. Max the Dog via DQ (leaving the cage)
Regular Human Region
Buddy the Elf vs. John McClane
“Hi! I’m Buddy the Elf, what’s your favorite color?”
“YIPPEE KI-YAY, MOTHERF*CKER!!!!!!”
John McClane def. Buddy the Elf via unsettlingly brutal KO, R1
Howard Langston vs. Kevin McCallister
As I said before, I’ve got a lot of respect for what Howard Langston was willing to go through to get his son a Turbo Man doll, but he didn’t go through the McCallister House of Horrors. Unlike Ralphie, this kid’s a straight-up killer who will use every tool at his disposal to get the job done.
Kevin McCallister def. Howard Langston via KO (skateboard in the cage), R1.
Quarterfinals
Santa Claus vs. Krampus (Elemental Region Champ)
Another tale as old as time: two brothers fighting. For Santa, he needs to avenge his wife and also maintain the status quo; for Krampus, this is his chance to finally escape the shadow of his wildly successful older brother.
But as every little brother knows, there are some things you can’t escape. Sure, you might win one now and then, but the older brother always has the mental edge, and so Krampus falls, once again, to Father Christmas.
Santa Claus def. Krampus via wide Unanimous Decision
Ebenezer Scrooge vs. Hans Gruber (Villain Region Champ)
Scrooge pulled off a big upset last round, but that’s not to be in the Regional Finals because while he has all the money he needs to afford top-of-the-line training, so does Gruber. On top of that, somewhere deep inside, Scrooge is a good person, whereas Gruber is rotten to the core. In a battle of villains, always bet on the more evil one.
Hans Gruber def. Ebenezer Scrooge via KO (front kick), R1
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer vs. Six Geese-A-Laying (Anthropomorphic Region Champ)
Rudolph scraped out a win in a bad matchup last round due to a combination of moxie and magic, but there’s only so much you can do when faced with the unmitigated viciousness of geese.
Rudolph’s ability to fly doesn’t mean a thing to The Gaggle, and his shining nose only enrages them further. The Gaggle swarms him, and it’s the same story as all the others who fall before this flock.
The ranking committee may have given the Six Geese-A-Laying short shrift because this Cinderella story keeps right on rolling.
Six Geese-A-Laying def. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer via TKO (beak strikes), R2
Kevin McCallister vs. John McClane (Regular Human Region Champ)
This is undeniably the matchup of the quarterfinals and arguably the best matchup of the entire Grand Prix. We’ve got John McClane, the great improviser, taking on the best game-planner in the tournament. Can McClane make the adjustments mid-fight to overcome McCallister’s preparation?
Yes. Yes he can. John McClane is a man who, when thrown into the middle of a terrorist plot during a Christmas party for his estranged wife, finds a way to make it work. McCallister sets the tone early, but McClane figures out his tricks, and midway through the second round, it looks like McClane is well on his way to victory. In fact, his cornerman, Sgt. Al Powell, even tells him exactly that between rounds as the New York City police detective has clearly seized control.
BUT WAIT!
The thing about Kevin McCallister is that he always has plans inside of plans. Sure, you might figure out a way around his initial assault, but there’s always another layer beneath it that you don’t see coming, and in the final round, McCallister deploys his greatest tactic: attack the feet.
McClane’s feet have never quite recovered from the shards of broken glass he suffered in Nakatomi Towers, and if there’s one thing McCallister knows how to do, it’s jerry-rig some caltrops. McCallister “accidentally” spills some ice and uses that to take McClane off his feet and out of the game.
Kevin McCallister def. John McClane via Unanimous Decision
Semifinals
Santa Claus vs. Hans Gruber
In a surprising twist, Santa Claus is the only one-seed still remaining, but to stay alive, he’s got to get past one of the greatest villains of all time, who has demolished all of his competition this far in the Grand Prix.
Yeah, Santa can do that.
The thing about Big Red is he’s a machine. If you’re a fellow Elemental/God, then at least you’re competing on the same terms. But for as villainous as Hans Gruber is, he’s still just a man. And a Naughty one at that. A long time ago, Santa figured out how to deal with the Naughty-listers, and Gruber is about to get beat with a stocking full of coal.
Santa Claus def. Hans Gruber vs. KO (coal shellacking), R1.
Kevin McCallister vs. Six Geese-A-Laying
If there’s one thing we’ve learned in this Grand Prix, it’s that you never underestimate how big of bastards geese are. They are the worst. But if there’s another thing we’ve learned, it’s that Kevin McCallister fears no creature on this Earth. Come hell or high water, McCallister is going to stand and fight.
And that’s a great thing against The Gaggle because at their core, all geese are bullies. And as Ralphie learned in A Christmas Story, if you stand up to bullies, they tend to back down. So when Kevin doesn’t tuck tail and run at the first goosey flurry, The Gaggle is suddenly at a loss. And once Kevin has you thinking, it’s already too late.
Sure, The Gaggle’s flying ability renders McCallister’s caltrops tactics useless, but you know what it can’t account for? His BB gun. Kevin distracts referee Herb Dean with a giant tarantula that he borrowed from Jalin Turner and then whips out his Red Ryder Carbine-action 200-shot Range Model Air Rifle and puts six shots into The Gaggle. Suddenly, those six geese are a-laying-down and out for the count, and it’s on to the finals for Mr. McCallister.
Kevin McCallister def. The Six Geese-A-Laying via TKO (eye injuries), R2
Finals
And that brings us to the finals. Jolly Old St. Nicholas vs. The Terror of the Chicago Suburbs. The great break-in artist vs. the personification of home security. This is the final we deserve.
In many ways, McCallister has been preparing to fight the big man his entire life. In a very real sense, Kevin now views the octagon as his home, and he has to defend it. So he deploys all his cunning and wiles to turn the octagon into a human Battlebots arena. McCallister electrifies the fence, sets trap blowtorches to certain cage advertisements, and even rigs a series of paint canisters from the lighting structure.
But he doesn’t stop there. McCallister breaks out the old-school fighting cheats: greasing himself up, hard plaster in his hand wraps, secret juice in his water, coating his gloves in caustic substance so he can blind Santa, the works. McCallister plies the depth of his devious soul to find an advantage in this match.
And it’s all for naught.
This is Santa we’re talking about. You can’t out-think or out-maneuver him. He sees you when you’re sleeping; he knows when you’re awake. He knows when you’ve been bad or good, and he knows exactly what traps you’ve laid for him in this final bout. He is inevitable.
Fortunately for McCallister, though his tactics verge on dirty, Santa also understands that he’s just an eight-year-old boy, and those are his people, after all. He gently puts Kevin to bed for a long winter’s nap, leaving the boy a gift for when he wakes up.
Santa Claus def. Kevin McCallister by Submission (sleeper hold), R1 to become the undisputed MMA Christmas Character champion!
Honestly, could it have ended any other way? Thanks for reading, love y’all, and Merry Christmas!