My kids think I'm leaving them a big inheritance. How do I tell them I'm planning on spending my money?

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• For Love & Money is a column from Business Insider answering your relationship and money questions.
• This week, a reader's kids incorrectly believe they're getting a large inheritance.
• Our columnist says to loop them into their plans, and to focus on the memories they'll leave behind.
• Got a question for our columnist? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.

Dear For Love & Money,

My husband and I are in our 60s, and due to our hard work, we have been able to retire comfortably. Our two kids are all grown up and doing well because my husband and I set them up for success.

We paid for a portion of their college, their health, and car insurance until they moved out, drove them to all the extracurriculars that got them where they are today, and paid for a couple of decades worth of food, clothing, shelter, and amazing experiences like a two-week European vacation when they were teenagers.

Recently, we had them and their spouses over for dinner, and a lighthearted conversation came up about who the favorite child was and who was likely to inherit our wealth. Since they were joking, neither I nor my husband felt we needed to set the record straight, but we've been talking and are now wondering if we need to. That's because we don't plan on leaving anything for our children; our savings are always for retirement.

If we live the comfortable, adventurous lives we want to over the next 20 years, we don't expect there will be much left for an inheritance. We even plan to sell the house, which is paid off, to afford our final years when we need assisted living.

I don't feel like we owe our children anything, and they don't seem to need anything, but I am starting to wonder if telling them our plans will be a problem. How do I tell them there isn't going to be an inheritance?

Sincerely,

Nothing to Leave

Dear Nothing to Leave,

Maybe I grew up poorer than I realize, but in my experience, few middle-class people plan on receiving a financially meaningful inheritance.

We expect to go through Grandma's basement and figure out what to do with a lifetime's worth of accumulated belongings. We hope our parents have life insurance policies to cover the costs of wrapping up a life and saying goodbye.

But few of us truly envision future will readings where the black sheep laughs cynically about being cut out, the stepson throws a tantrum over not inheriting the Van Gogh collection, and the niece no one's ever met inherits it all. But we've all seen that movie. Thus, we joke about our parents' wills, favorite children, and who will inherit Yellowstone Dutton Ranch when they're gone.

You asked me how to tell your kids, "there isn't going to be an inheritance," but I don't think this is an announcement you need to make. For most people who hold no claim to great wealth, even if they are financially comfortable, estate planning is a family affair.

You and your husband will still have the final say over your estate, but medical bills, inflation, health concerns, and all sorts of unknowns can easily complicate money matters. Your anxiety might stem from you second-guessing a dynamic you were comfortable with back when the reality felt far away.

You might not have a fortune to bestow on your children when you pass, but you will still give them an estate to sort out and conclude. They will be the ones to carry out your end-of-life wishes and figure out memory care should the need arise. Your children are the ones who will need to present death certificates to close down your bank accounts and hold an estate sale should you stay in your house to the end, after all.

Considering the enormity of this task, looping your children in now is a good idea. There's no need for this conversation to include a dramatic confession about how little you have to leave them; instead, it invites them into your plans and lets them know what to expect.

It isn't too late to start investing a small amount and designating the returns for your children, of course. But remember that when your kids are playfully squabbling over inheritance, they are likely thinking of the possessions you will be handing down rather than money.

For instance, my dad has a large library of floor-to-ceiling bookshelves packed with hardbacks written by writers like Louis L'amour, Dean Koontz, and Agatha Christie. Neither I nor my siblings expect to receive even a tiny cash legacy, and we know the books hold little value, but you can bet we always argue — mostly in jest — over who will inherit the collection.

Simply taking the time to thoughtfully divide your prized possessions and sentimental momentos and naming who gets what in your will is likely more of an inheritance than your kids expect, but one they will be very grateful to receive.

In your letter, you listed all the ways you've set your kids up for success, but I didn't need the list to believe you. You have built a legacy where your adult children and their partners can sit around your dinner table joking with you and one another. This is the best legacy — one full of love and laughter. You did it.

Rooting for you,

For Love & Money

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