Ask A Sexologist: 'I Don't Feel Desired By My Otherwise Loving Partner. What Should I Do?'

It’s very hard to say how little sex is “too little” in a relationship, but most of us think others are busier in bed than they really are. 

For example, some researchers found that only 26% of couples hit the once-weekly mark, even though people assume women in the UK are at it an athletic 22 times a month.

Still, sex frequency and sexual satisfaction are very different things, licensed sexologist, relationship therapist, and author at Passionerad, Sofie Roos, previously told HuffPost UK. 

And regardless of how much sex you’re having, it’s “extremely common” for those in long-term relationships to feel like their partner doesn’t desire them, she told us. 

Here, we asked the expert how to handle the issue. 

Why does it feel like my partner’s lost desire over time? 

Sometimes, Roos told us, it’s about our expectations.

“Desire isn’t static, which means that it changes over time due to factors like stress, your physical and mental well-being, and your overall everyday life situation.”

This is “especially [true] in long-term relationships where you might have started to take each other’s love a little bit for granted, and stopped to really put in the effort in being romantic and show each other how much you still want them.

“Many couples need to widen their idea of intimacy to be able to keep the desirable feeling between them alive throughout the relationship,” she said.

That might mean that defining your desirability solely by how much wild, spontaneous sex you have might not be a great idea in long-term relationships.

But, Roos added, “that still doesn’t mean you should be satisfied with a dead bedroom or a partner that never puts in effort for you.” 

How can I talk to my partner about not feeling desired? 

“How you talk about this is crucial,” Roos told us.

“You need to make the discussion about emotional and physical intimacy, longing, and about you wanting the relationship to work as well as it possibly can; not about performance or standards that lead to pressure and stress.” 

Try using “I” statements, and “focus on yourself rather than making it about what your partner does ‘wrong,’” she added. 

Remember to pick you moment carefully, too; don’t bring it up in an otherwise tense time.

“The goal is not to accuse your partner or hold them responsible for anything, but to open up for understanding, and in these situations, curiosity always beats going into defence mode. 

 “Ask open questions and be prepared that the answer might be more complex than you think. Be open to asking follow-ups on that to understand what they mean instead of going in with a fixed idea of how they’re feeling.” 

What can we do to help bring the desire back?

“Try to be intimate without goals of how [far it’ll go], when, or how long [it’ll last], try to flirt more everyday, spend more quality time together, [and] get better at giving compliments that aren’t just rooted in practical things,” like how nice the dinner someone made you is, she said.

“Overall, try to invest a little bit more energy and time in each other, which in most cases will lead to a big difference if you give it some time.” 

If that doesn’t work, it might be worth talking to a third party, like a relationship therapist.

“Lastly, remember that decreased desire doesn’t mean less love, just that you need to get better at appreciating and working with what you already have between you,” she ended. 

“The gasoline is there, you just need to spark it better so your fire can shine stronger and warmer!”