What Does It Mean If I Fantasise About My Ex?

“Sexual nostalgia,” or fantasising about a former lover, is pretty common, even during sex. 

But according to research published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, it might be “distinct” from other sexual fantasies, like submissive acts or group sex. 

Instead, the authors found that the habit might say something about your attachment style and relationship satisfaction.

What did the researchers look at?

In this study, researchers wanted to know whether fantasising about your ex is different to other types of fantasies, as well as whether having these fantasies said anything about participants’ attachment styles. 

The attachment styles they looked at were secure, in which couples generally felt safe with and trusted one another; avoidant, in which people tend to fear vulnerable intimacy; and anxious, where people fear being alone. 

To test this, they found people who had left committed relationships and asked whether they were now single. 

They also asked them to fill in a survey about the kind of fantasies they had, as well as their relationship satisfaction. They were also asked questions that the researchers intended to reveal their attachment style. 

The fantasies were grouped into four sections: submissive sexual acts, group and/or anonymous sex, romantic sexual encounters, and sexual nostalgia. 

Then, they found 98 couples who lived together and got them to record both of those surveys as well as how it affected their relationship.

Sexual nostalgia seemed to be different from the other types of fantasy because while people reported having other kinds of fantasy regardless of their relationship status, satisfaction, or attachment style, sexual nostalgia seemed to depend on all three.

What might sexual nostalgia say about our attachment style and relationships?

In this study, “sexually or relationally dissatisfied reported greater sexual nostalgia, whereas people high in attachment avoidance... did not calibrate their feelings of sexual nostalgia based on their current relationship status or satisfaction”. 

In other words, people with secure and anxious attachment styles tended to fantasise about their exes either when they were single or when they were in relationships that didn’t meet their sexual or emotional needs. 

These factors seemed a lot less likely to influence whether someone with an avoidant attachment style experienced sexual nostalgia, however. 

Additionally, “Chronic sexual nostalgia detracted from [relationship] satisfaction over time,” though there might be a “chicken and egg” element there.