I'm A Headteacher. We Need A Back-To-Basics Approach To Parenting

I think it might be time for a back-to-basics approach to parenting.

We need a reminder that the role of a parent is not to be a friend. It is to be a mentor, a teacher, a disciplinarian, and a guru.

Last week I was alarmed, but not surprised, to see early years charity Kindred Squared’s report that 37% of children are not school-ready by the time they start Reception, up from 33% in 2024. 

On top of that, the survey revealed a total of 2.4 hours of teaching time is lost each day due to a wider lack of basic skills.

This is a rapidly rising trend. We are seeing children unable to utilise basic language, use the toilet, or cope with simple instructions. When these building blocks are missed early on, catching up is almost impossible.

Parenting has shifted. We have traded authority for ‘auto-nannies’ (screens) and over-indulgence. We’ve convinced ourselves that making our child happy right now is the goal.

But in my view, we have forgotten that immediate happiness is not what children need. They need to be prepared for life – and building resilience from a young age right up to adulthood is key to this preparation.

One of the country’s leading experts in child and adolescent psychiatry, Professor Andrea Danese of King’s College London, said he believes resilience needs to be taken seriously.

Studies have linked resilience in young people to improved life satisfaction and mental health, and being less likely to turn to alcohol, drugs or smoking to cope. 

I believe parents can start to help reverse this trend we’re seeing by focusing on building resilience in children. Here are some ways to do just that as they go through school: 

• Let them pick themselves up. When little ones fall, don’t swoop in immediately. Let them figure it out. Pausing before you intervene builds self-reliance from day one.
• As they get older, let them play outside. Ideally, away from the watchful eyes of adults. Unstructured play is one of the best ways to develop coping strategies and social skills.
• Let them get bored. Stop trying to fix the silence. Let them sit with the discomfort of having ‘nothing to do’. If you can get through a little whining now, you save yourself a lifetime of misery later.
• Ditch the tracker. We do not need to digitally-stalk children when they are out of eyesight. Giving them freedom develops mental maturity.
• Trust them on public transport. By the end of primary school, local buses and trains are perfectly acceptable. It is an exciting opportunity for them to learn independence. Take the chance.

David Paton is headteacher at Radnor House Sevenoaks, an independent school for children aged 2-18.