5 Manipulative Phrases You Should Never Use With Your Partner

It’s nigh on impossible to communicate perfectly with every person in your life. We can, for instance, use phrases we don’t realise are passive-aggressive with our friends; we might underestimate hurtful words commonly used on kids. 

And speaking to HuffPost UK, relationship therapist and author at Passionerad, Sofie Roos, said there are “a few types of phrases that almost always do more harm than good in a relationship,” too. 

“Many of these aren’t mainly about what you say, but about when you use them, and how they shut down a conversation or augment in a way that blames your partner and leaves them feeling that their version [of events] doesn’t matter,” she added. 

Here, she shared five hurtful comments she thinks we should avoid using with our partner. 

1) “You always...” or “you never...” 

One of the Gottman Institute’s four horsemen of divorce is criticism, especially ad hominem critiques, which turn issues with your partner into comments about their person. 

Phrases like “you always [do xyz]” can tie “one personal trait to [your partner’s] whole identity... with no nuance,” said Roos.

When comments like these are “thrown in your face, the reaction is often to go into defence mode, and the situation tends to escalate into a dirty fight.” 

2) “Boo-hoo, poor you...” or “You’re so dramatic” 

Dismissive, sarcastic, and diminishing statements, which suggest your partner is overreacting, are a no-go, said Roos. 

They “signal that [your] partner’s feelings aren’t valid and not to be taken as equal to yours, which in the long run makes... their opinion and voice less valued.

“That’s no way to build a healthy, happy and respectful relationship.” 

3) “If you really loved me…” or “I thought I meant more to you than that…” 

These “manipulative” terms are unfair, Roos told us. 

“Using these makes you push your partner into a certain behaviour, and you make them earn your love, which is extremely unfair, harsh and manipulative.”

It also “makes them very tense and afraid of doing wrong, where they feel their love isn’t enough.”

4) “Other couples don’t have this problem” or “My ex never did this” 

Comparing your relationship to another couple’s, or even your own ex, should be avoided as much as possible. 

It “makes your partner compete with others instead of making you a team against the world, which leads to feelings of not being good enough,” the therapist said.

5) “I don’t care, you do you,” or “I don’t want to tell you what you should do, you know best” 

These can be tricky, Roos said, because at first glance, they can have the veneer of consideration.

But often, she said, they’re “actually loaded with anger and bitterness, which leads to a very tense atmosphere between you”. They can force your partner to do the hard work of noticing, bringing up, and “managing” problems you don’t want the effort of addressing.

Instead of this, try to “clear the air by saying what you really think”, and assume responsibility in your relationship by taking a position rather than leaving all the work to your partner.

Overall, Roos said, “Phrases that make your partner feel shamed, diminished, less worthy or manipulated have no room in a healthy relationship. Instead, say what you have on your mind and how you’re feeling, but in a respectful, nuanced, constructive and solution-oriented way that’s not aggressive or confronting.

“That will lead to a more peaceful, stable and happy relationship where both feel needed, seen and equal.”