Five Pieces of Work Advice from an Agony Aunt

Work is a lot of work. Most of us have to work for about half of our waking hours for about half of our lives. And they’re mostly not easy hours. Work can be full of conflicts, confusion, drama, trauma, and awkwardness. I started writing a work advice column a year ago for Slate to help advice seekers think through their work dilemmas, and to help readers solve their own work problems by reading about other people’s. I’d like to share a few of the themes that have come up, in case they’re useful to you or yours. 

Advice columns have been around since at least 1690, and they’re immensely popular. Carolyn Hax’s advice column is always among the most-read articles on the Washington Post, and many readers who are furious about the publication’s owner, editorial page, and layoffs are keeping their subscriptions only because of Hax. I’ve been reading advice columns since I was a kid and think they’ve helped me avoid a lot of mistakes and be a more considerate and thoughtful person. Fundamentally, they’re lessons in perspective-taking, problem solving, and empathy. 

Each letter to the column—which the editors named “Good Job,” isn’t that great?—describes a specific problem, with plenty of context and details that make the problem tricky. (If it were a simple problem, the person probably wouldn’t be writing in to an advice column.) I try to address the specifics but also extract general principles that might apply to other people’s work questions. A lot of these principles are basic primate stuff about power, communication, and alliances, since we’re just great apes in glasses.

Tell people what you want them to know. Many work problems are communication problems. One person was disappointed that her colleagues didn’t notice her engagement ring, another wanted her husband to stop spending so much time with his boss. (Most of these links go to full columns, which have three questions each and are behind a metered paywall. Some go to Slate Plus content, for subscribers only. Apologies if you can’t access something.) Even people we spend most of our time with don’t notice big or little things we’d like them to; they’re no Sherlocks. Even when you do tell someone something, you may have to tell them again and again. This is especially common in the workplace, which is full of distractions and corporate-speak and mixed messages. 

Toot your own horn. This is hard, especially for people who have been socialized to be modest, deferential, and never-ever uppity. And there are plenty of bad exemplars, since some of the most visible horn-tooters are kiss-up, kick-down children of privilege who always fail up. (I hear from their direct reports.) Many employers will happily underpay and fail to promote people. My standard advice is to keep a list of your accomplishments, share your successes (and challenges) with your manager, and ask for a raise or promotion, or ask for advice about what you should to do earn a raise or promotion. These conversations may make you feel queasy, but it’s literally the boss’s job to recognize and retain “talent.”

Use workplace culture to your advantage. Corporatized language, like calling human beings “talent” or “resources,” is ridiculous and exclusionary. But sometimes you can speak it to de-escalate or re-frame problems. If your assistant isn’t getting sufficient credit, explain that their work “surpassed expectations.” If your team is stuck in a rut, ask your boss if you could “reprioritize.” If a boss is making irrelevant comments, describe it as “distracting.” If someone rambles in a meeting, request that you spend the time more “efficiently.” Relatedly, if a workplace has regular meetings, use that structure to schedule difficult discussion (also a useful bit of corporate-speak) and limit how long they run. Schedule regular check-in meetings with your boss or direct reports so you’re don’t talk with them only when there’s a problem. An agenda can solve a lot of communication and wasted-time problems. If you need your boss to pay attention to some weird office dynamic, describe in terms they care about, like “undermining productivity.” 

Bad bosses are bad! Bosses have so much power over people, and too many of them abuse it. I hear from people whose bosses expect them to watch their dogs, buy their kids’ wrapping paper, or diagnose their medical condition. They’re condescending and temperamental. They tell bigoted “jokes.” They hire their no-account nephews (the literal definition of nepotism) and force direct reports to interview their inept son. Some of my favorite letters are from people who got a new job or promotion and are starting to manage people. Bosses who are worried about being bad managers are likely to be good managers.

You have more power than you might realize to improve workplace culture. Compassion, like cruelty, can be contagious. Thank people. Reject rumors and sexism. Amplify people, especially those who get talked over, discriminated against, or taken for granted. Build alliances to confront or report bullies. Work one of the best places to get to know people from other generations. Don’t resent, fear, or “other” them; learn from them and let them learn from you. If you had a terrible time learning a new job, look for ways to welcome new hires or set up a mentorship program. You are not alone in having work problems. You are SO not alone. Together, I hope, we can make work more humane, inclusive, fair, and even sometimes fun. 

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