Scandal erupts at World Conker Championships as triumphant 'King Conker' caught with painted steel replica: 'The whole thing is nuts'

Software like VAC and Riot's Vanguard may be at the cutting edge of anti-cheating operations, but a scandal at the recent World Conker Championship shows that gamers trying to get an unfair edge started long before aimbots plagued Counter-Strike. The most recent conker competition took place this past weekend in Northamptonshire, UK, with the victor in the men's category one David Jakins, who has been entering the competition since 1977 and is (or was) something of a trusted figure within the conkering community.

But wait! Following Jakins' victory, the 82 year-old was searched by organisers, and the wily pensioner was then found to have a steel chestnut in his pocket, which had been painted brown. Jakins denies that he deployed this metallic interloper during the tournament, but an investigation is underway, with some of the competition suspecting nefarious tactics. Adding to these suspicions, Jakins won his quarter- and semi-final matches in one hit before doing the same in the final.

I should briefly explain conkers for the non-UK audience. Most probably know the word from Rare's Conker series, platformers featuring a foul-mouth squirrel and bosses that are just giant poos, but the hero's name comes from a traditional game played in Britain and Ireland. Players take the seeds of a horse chestnut tree, rounded solid lumps known as conkers, drill a hole and thread string through it, then take turns to whack each others' conkers. Whichever conker shatters first loses. 

To get back to our current scandal, retired engineer Jakins held a position of absolute trust in the competition. He was known as "King Conker", the sobriquet bestowed upon the top judge, who is responsible for the crucial task of drilling holes into competitors' chestnuts and threading string through them. Over 2000 conkers were prepared for the competition.

"Allegations of foul play have been received that somehow King Conker swapped his real conker for the metal one later found in his pocket," St John Burkett, a spokesperson for the World Conker Championships, told the Daily Telegraph. "Players select conkers from a sack before each round. There are also suggestions that King Conker had marked the strings of harder nuts. We can confirm he was involved in drilling and lacing the nuts before the event. We are investigating."

For his part, Jakins says there's a perfectly innocent explanation. "I was found with the steel conker in my pocket, but I only carry [it] around with me for humour value and I did not use it during the event," said King Conker. "Yes, I did help prepare the conkers before the tournament. But this isn’t cheating or a fix, and I didn’t mark the strings. I just tried to hit hard and, somehow, I finally won."

Jakins' opponent in the final is not happy about his conkering. "My conker disintegrated in one hit, and that just doesn’t happen," said Alastair Johnson-Ferguson. "I’m suspicious of foul play and have expressed my surprise to organisers."

While Jakins won the men's competition, he ultimately lost the grand final to Kelci Banschbach from Indianapolis, who in a shameful scene for the Brits became the first American to win the competition since it began in 1965.

"As if it’s not suspicious enough for the event’s top judge to take part in his own tournament and win, he has also obliterated opponents’ nuts in one hit and then been found with a metal conker," said conkers fan David Glew. "The question that has to be asked is—how has he won now, after never winning previously? The whole thing is nuts."