This 'scientifically dubious' Linux CPU scheduler makes decisions 'based on real-time planetary positions, zodiac signs, and astrological principles'

Should you wish to allow the (extremely dubious) astrological laws of the universe to decide the CPU scheduling within your home machine, I've found just the Github project for you. Also, you shouldn't. I just wanted to get that in early.

Nevertheless, scx_horoscope is a fully functional CPU scheduler that loads into the Linux kernel to decide your processor's priorities based on "real-time planetary positions, zodiac signs, and astrological principles", and it's just the sort of rabbit hole I like to fall down on a Tuesday afternoon.

Its creator, Github user and software engineer Zampierilucas, says that the scheduler is "100% for educational and entertainment purposes" and that "while the astronomical calculations are real and the scheduler actually works" using astrology to schedule CPU tasks is "scientifically dubious, cosmically hilarious... [and] perfect for conference talks, hackathons, and proving that anything it possible."

The scheduler is full of bizarre features, like its ability to perform real planetary calculations based on accurate geocentric planetary positions, lunar phase scheduling (the full moon gives a 1.4x boost to tasking, apparently) and "zodiac-based task classification".

That latter feature is easily one of my favourite bits. Specific planetary bodies "rule" over specific system tasks, so the Sun is in charge of critical system processes, the Moon (tied to emotions, of course) rules over interactive tasks, and Jupiter is assigned to memory-heavy applications, among others:

• ☀️ Sun (Life Force): Critical system processes (PID 1, init)
• ???? Moon (Emotions): Interactive tasks (shells, editors, terminals)
• ???? Mercury (Communication): Network and I/O tasks
• ???? Venus (Harmony): Desktop and UI processes
• ⚔️ Mars (Energy): CPU-intensive tasks (compilers, video encoding)
• ???? Jupiter (Expansion): Memory-heavy applications (databases, browsers)
• ⚙️ Saturn (Structure): System daemons and kernel threads

Zodiac sign elements can create elemental affinities and oppositions, so the calculated position of a fire sign like Aries, Leo, or Sagittarius can give a 1.5x boost to operations, whereas water signs drop that multiplier to 0.6x, because water dampens fire. Obviously.

It's a bit like reading the ruleset to a very complicated board game you have no idea how to play. For example, when a planet is in retrograde (moving backwards through the zodiac), all tasks under its domain suffer a 50% time slice penalty. Your CPU also has to spin around three times on one leg while touching its nose. I made that last bit up, but I had you going for a second there, didn't I?

I often go cross-eyed when reading complicated CPU scheduling operations, so combining them with the intense woo-woo (sorry, true believers) of astrology creates a heady feeling of "you-lost-me-several-pages-ago-and-now-I'm-nodding-politely". Still, the creativity on display here is immense, and I'm all for that sort of nonsense.

"If the universe can influence our lives, why not our CPU scheduling too?" asks Zampierilucas. Well, I can think of multiple reasons, and like the author, I think using it for anything other than japery is likely to be a bad idea. Jolly good show, though. Carry on.