MCSWEENEY’S

Step 1: The Problem
I’ve been reborn. My estrogen patch restored my sleep, energy, and hair back to age twenty-two. Time to reverse-age my wardrobe.

“President Trump has claimed he ‘aced’ all three cognitive tests administered to him during his first and second presidencies. The commander-in-chief further claimed that no president has ever taken part in a similar exercise when he spoke on his mental acuity at the White House Monday.” — The Independent

1. Conga. It literally cannot get better than this.

2. Assembly. It’s not glamorous, but hot damn is it effective.

3. Waist. Awooooga!

4. Jaw. Hubba Hubba!

5. Hair. Yowie!

6. Blood. Define your legacy.

7. On. How you’re reading this, probably.

8. Shore. She sells seashells here.

9. Under. A little bench for your letters.

10. Time. 2026: read this list, 2030: millionaire.

11. Life. I like “phone a friend.”

12. Bottom. Understand, bub? Читать дальше...

“More than 1 in 4 [students at University of Maine at Presque Isle’s online MyPace program] finished their entire degree course load in a single eight-week session, half the length of a traditional academic semester.” — The Washington Post

- - -

With warmth, humor, and occasional run-ins with bodily fluids, science journalist (and frequent McSweeney’s contributor) Elizabeth Preston leads a highly accessible tour of cutting-edge research into how and why other animals and humans care for their young. She discovers that we evolved to raise our kids in cooperative groups, and that the tools we’ve inherited for caretaking aren’t only for moms or dads—they’re the basis for our human society.

Today, we’re happy to share an excerpt from The Creatures’ Guide to Caring... Читать дальше...

At 9:03 a.m., Ms. Delgado makes the mistake of asking the class what their parents do for work.

"We spoke with voters who cast their ballots for Mr. Trump and said they were disappointed with his second term. A few said they even regretted their votes.
— New York Times

And when the trumpets sounded, behold, the lamb opened the first four seals, letting forth four horsemen upon the world of man. The first horse, signifying War, was adorned with golden, ill-fitting hair. He was recognized immediately as the great protector of Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone 2 and as a ’90s rap euphemism for wealth.

MIRANDA PRIESTLY: You go to your floor beside your bed, and select that Nirvana shirt because you’re trying to tell the world that you are a proud Gen-Xer so moved in middle school by Kurt Cobain’s deadpan honesty and self-loathing that Nirvana became your favorite band, and now that you’re almost fifty, the nostalgia is unbearable… but what you don’t know is that Target licensed the “anti-corporate” band’s logo from massive global licensing hubs Live Nation Merchandise and Universal Music Group... Читать дальше...

“The Supreme Court on Wednesday hollowed out a landmark Civil Rights–era law that has increased minority representation in Congress and elsewhere”
— AP News