Horton Coconut Rum' cocktails only work with flavors bold enough to wrestle coconut rum

Welcome back to FTW’s Beverage of the Week series. Here, we mostly chronicle and review beers, but happily expand that scope to any beverage (or food) that pairs well with sports. Yes, even cookie dough whiskey.

Horton Coconut Rum is not a brand with which I’m familiar. In fairness, though, I could only really name Parrot Bay and Malibu when it comes to the genre.

A little sleuthing tells me it is not, in fact, an established spirit but a brand extension from a mom-fluencer named Krista Horton. I don’t know who this person is, but it seems Reddit does not care for her. She saw a crowded market of canned cocktails and added her own twist; charging $44 per 12 pack for them ($59 after shipping).

That all seems very exhausting. But I like coconut rum. Or I liked it, back when I was in college or playing a hacked version of the Oregon Trail. Let’s see if Ms. Horton can make a cocktail worth nearly $4 per can.

Coconut rum mixed with pineapple soda: B

Let’s start with a traditional cocktail (pina colada) in a form I’ve rarely seen it. I’m assuming the pineapple soda is something like a Fanta, but the pour itself has no color. It smells half pineapple, half boozy off the top, which I’m into. At seven percent ABV, there’s gonna be a little burn involved.

There’s a certain sunscreen feel that comes with coconut drinks, and while that’s unavoidable here it’s not really a problem. Horton hits this cocktail with a lot of sweet flavor and, by turning to pineapple, one of the more overpowering mixers out there. It starts off in that coconut realm before the tropical fruit kicks in to whisk things away on the back of strong carbonation.

That boozy smell off the top doesn’t translate to the taste, which is more soda than rum. It’s a little unbalanced; a tug-o-war between coconut and pineapple that leans toward “too sweet” when something drier may have helped. But it goes a long way to cover up that extra ABV, which works.

It’s not my favorite, but it’s full bodied and unique. Horton was going for something different here and hit that moving target. Maybe not a bullseye, but they’re on the board.

Coconut rum mixed with diet kola: C-

This one pours yellow, which is where I thought the pineapple would be. That’s slightly concerning, but it’s kola, not cola, so I don’t feel too weird about it. It smells like a craft soda, spicy with a little vanilla and cinnamon to it.

The rum inside seems to disappear inside that kola smell. That’s not the case when you drink it. While the coconut barely makes an appearance — it’s much stronger in the pineapple — you get some spicy, sugary rum working with a weak Coke knockoff. It’s a little stale, and between the limited carbonation and weak kola flavor it’s… not great.

It brings me back to Sammy Hagar’s Beach Bar cocktails, which hit the same levels of disappointing with its rum-and-not-Coke mix. It tastes like a better cocktail you left out in the sun too long at a pool party. It’s not undrinkable, and you can sip your way through it amidst awkward conversation. But you don’t really want it, and you’d pass on a second one.

Coconut rum mixed with lime soda: C

This one pours clear again and smells like sour lime and citric acid. That’s more like a generic hard seltzer than a canned cocktail, and if there’s any coconut in there I’m not getting it.

Fortunately, it comes off sweeter than that. The lime feels authentic. The coconut lightens it and makes everything feel a touch creamier in the process. There’s no strong rum taste, but it does clock in gently toward the end to remind you it’s not a regular soda.

It’s not great, but it’s better than the kola. The lesson learned here is that coconut rum works best with other big flavors. The lime here is sweet and clear and it tastes fine while cold. Warmed up is a different story. Once your ice melts a little bit, the flaws of each sip get a little louder.

I dunno, it’s not something I’d do again, but if coconut rum is your jam this is going to hit those notes for you.

Would I drink it instead of a Hamm’s?

This is a pass/fail mechanism where I compare whatever I’m drinking to my baseline cheap beer. That’s the standby from the land of sky-blue waters, Hamm’s. So the question to answer is: on a typical day, would I drink Horton Coconut Rum cocktails over a cold can of Hamm’s?

The pineapple one, maybe, if it didn’t cost $5 a can to have delivered. Those are fancy microbrew prices, not airplane-bottle-of-Malibu-and-a-Coke prices. This seems almost predatory in practice. It’s not a premium spirit and can’t justify its price. No thanks.