My husband says his virtual affair doesn’t count as cheating
DEAR DEIDRE: My husband has blamed his affair with a former work colleague on being made redundant and says that virtual sex doesn’t count as a proper affair.
I don’t agree and the way he’s treated me has made me feel worthless, but the other problem is I don’t even believe him.
He’s cheated on me before but until I had concrete evidence he wouldn’t admit to a thing.
He has been pushing me away over the last few months, looking at me as though he doesn’t even like me, let alone love me.
I’m 41 and my husband’s 44. We’ve been married for 10 years and have a six-year-old daughter.
I had that horrible familiar feeling his attention was elsewhere, but it was only after this woman’s husband turned up on our doorstep making accusations that he admitted he was ‘fond of her, but doesn’t think he is in love with her’.
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My husband promised me and this man that all they had done was send each other a few ‘naughty texts’.
After he left my husband admitted they’d had virtual sex, still he insisted they never went as far as having physical sex.
But I’ve seen from text messages that they have spent time together and he’s driven her in his truck.
I feel like this other woman is actually just a distraction – a bit of escapism. He was made redundant ten months ago and his brother died recently. He’s struggling to find a purpose.
He is spiralling down. It’s starting to affect me and I’m feeling helpless and lost. I am struggling to eat and sleep.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Even if this was simply a “virtual” affair, it can be just as painful as a sexual one. I understand that you want the truth – but unless he’s willing to talk, you may never know why this happened.
Your husband has suffered many losses and, like many men, this can result in them turning to someone else, because it feels easier for them to distance themselves from those close to them.
Would you consider going to couple counselling? If you could both learn why his betrayal happened, there’s a chance you could save your marriage and even strengthen it.
You would both probably find it helpful to talk to someone sympathetic outside your situation. My support pack Cheating – Can You Get Over It? explains more.
See your GP if you both continue to be depressed.