Terrifying Warnings for the Gurgle-Goo Sleepytime Baby Swing

The Soothing Sleepytime Baby Swing from Gurgle-Goo is designed to float even the fussiest baby to dreamland. In just a matter of minutes, little ones will be snoozing, and frazzled parents will be sighing with relief. Before joining the thousands of happy, well-rested Soothing Sleepytime Baby Swing users out there, be sure to glance at the safety measures below.

1. Do not, under any circumstances, let your baby fall asleep in this swing.

2. While your baby is in the Soothing Sleepytime Baby Swing, you should watch them at all times, ideally from no more than three inches away.

3. Do not look down at your phone.

4. Do not let your mind wander.

5. While your baby is in the Soothing Sleepytime Baby Swing, your only thought should be, “My baby is in the Soothing Sleepytime Baby Swing right now.” Any other thoughts could lead to injury or death.

6. Do not think about the possibility of injury or death while your baby is in the Soothing Sleepytime Baby Swing, because this could make you distracted.

7. Do not turn it on.

8. Do not buckle any of the very complicated buckles incorrectly.

9. We shouldn’t even have to say this, but do not use this product with babies who have the wrong color hair.

10. Do not push the button labeled GENTLE SOOTHING MODE. This will almost definitely soothe your baby to sleep, but it could also turn the swing into a time machine and take your baby to the Great Depression or another bad time from the past.

11. Do not use this product for more than five minutes a day and NEVER on Easter Sunday (we don’t know what happens if you do this [and we don’t want to find out]).

12. Do not use this product too casually.

13. Do not use it near a cat.

14. Do not use this product at all. Box it up, put it in the closet, and never speak of it again.

15. Do not—we repeat, do NOT—let your baby fall asleep in the Soothing Sleepytime Baby Swing.