You Are Almost Out of Google Storage Space

You are using 85 percent of your Google storage. If you don’t upgrade soon, you will lose the ability to receive emails and upload new photos. Click here to upgrade.

You are using 87 percent of your Google storage. If you don’t upgrade soon, you will lose the ability to receive emails, upload new photos, and experience joy. Click here to upgrade.

You are using 90 percent of your Google storage. If you don’t upgrade soon, you will lose the ability to receive emails, upload new photos, experience joy and experience sadness. You might think never experiencing sadness again sounds great, but you won’t realize the true implications of it until it’s too late. Click here to upgrade.

You are using 91 percent of your Google storage. Those seventeen spam emails you deleted didn’t do squat. Nice try, though. Click here to upgrade.

You are using 92 percent of your Google storage. If you don’t upgrade soon, you will continue to waste valuable seconds every day reading these warnings about how you need to upgrade soon. Click here to upgrade.

You are using 93 percent of your Google storage. At this point, the only item you can delete that will free up enough storage to get these warnings to stop is that one perfect photo of your daughter you absolutely adore. You could delete literally everything else, but as long as that photo is still there, it won’t matter. Click here to upgrade.

You are using 94 percent of your Google storage. Oh, sure, you could safely delete that photo if you just figured out how to use your printer to make a hard copy, but we both know that’s never going to happen. So stop kidding yourself and click here to upgrade instead.

You are using 95 percent of your Google storage. This is fine, actually—95 percent is fine. Just go watch a movie or something until the next big batch of emails comes through.

You are using 96 percent of your Google storage. Okay, now we’re back in dangerous territory. And if you don’t upgrade soon, we will share your search history with your mother and everyone you had a crush on in middle school. Click here to upgrade.

You are using 97 percent of your Google storage. Did you know that before Gmail and Google Photos and everything, people used to write physical letters and take physical photos, and at some point, they would get rid of them or lose them, and then they just, like, wouldn’t be there anymore, and that was a very normal part of life? Just something to think about as you enter minute 26 of stressing about whether you will miss that photo of you and your bros at the 2013 Goucher College Ultimate Frisbee Tournament, which you haven’t looked at in eleven years, too much if you delete it. Click here to upgrade.

You are using 99 percent of your Google storage. Of course, you didn’t delete the 2013 Goucher College Ultimate Frisbee Tournament photo. You are small and weak. Click here to upgrade.

You are using 70 percent of your Google storage. We would tell you how and why your storage use plummeted so suddenly despite you not deleting anything larger than a promotional email from Supercuts, but that would just ruin the fun now, wouldn’t it?

You are using 100 percent of your Google storage. All right, well, we tried to warn you, but you didn’t listen, and now here we are. You are officially out of storage. That means no more feeling obligated to take thirty-one selfies that all look pretty much the same anytime you go anywhere other than your kitchen, no more promotional emails from that weird DJ you met at a party in 2007, no more ability to edit a shared Google Sheet meticulously documenting every expense from a weekend getaway with seventeen of your friends, no more—hey, why do you look so happy? Don’t you know you aren’t supposed to be able to experience joy anymore?