If My Mom Wrote the Ads for Her Local NPR Station

Support for WNYC is brought to you by: It Needs More Lemon. Taste this chicken for me, will you? It’s missing something. Yep, more lemon. Okay, taste it again. Better? Use code MORELEMON at checkout for 50 percent off your first order. Wait, now it’s missing salt.

Support for WNYC is brought to you by: We Have Food at Home. Have you ever driven by a restaurant? Your mouth waters, your eyes droop with exhaustion from a long day. Well, guess what? We have food at home. For more, go to the fridge and actually look inside it this time.

Support for WNYC is brought to you by: I Can’t Find My Glasses. This isn’t an ad, I just really need help finding my glasses. Do you remember where I last had them? Go check on top of the piano.

Support for WNYC is brought to you by: My Podiatrist. Got feet? Then you should call my podiatrist. He doesn’t take insurance, but he’ll ask you about your family and talk about the crazy weather we’ve been having. I don’t remember his phone number.

Support for WNYC is brought to you by: Expired Fish Oil. It’s in the back of the fridge next to the jar of tomato sauce that’s been growing mold since 2015 but no one will throw away.

Support for WNYC is brought to you by: That Book About That Guy Written by That Woman. I was listening to Fresh Air last week, and Terry Gross interviewed this woman who wrote this book about that guy. I think you’d really like it. It was about Paris in the 1920s. No wait, it was about Australia in the 1980s. That guy went through this whole thing, and there was this girl—I don’t want to spoil anything. I’ll order it for you and you can decide if you like it.

Support for WNYC is brought to you by: Grammarly. Except it’s me, your mom. Why pay $39.99 for a robot to add in commas when I can stand behind your computer, breathing down your neck, pointing out all your mistakes for free? For more info, try using a semicolon.

Support for WNYC is brought to you by: Dinner’s Ready in Ten. When you didn’t answer my call, I texted. When you didn’t answer my text, I emailed. When you didn’t answer my email, I bought airtime on the radio to let you know dinner is ready in ten minutes. If you don’t hear this, I’ll come up to your room and get you.

Support for WNYC is brought to you by: Blow Your Nose. There are tissues in my purse.

Support for WNYC is brought to you by: Free Pens. Have you ever been to Whole Foods? And you suddenly remember that you need garlic? But you’re in the paper goods aisle, and you have to swing by the supplements aisle first for more Vitamin D. Take out your list, and then reach into your bag for a free pen from the Holocaust Museum. But your free pens don’t have to be from the Holocaust Museum. Any free pen will work. Go to FreePens.org for 10 percent off your first order. You call my home phone number, and I’ll send you a box of one to seventeen free pens, from places like Marriott Bonvoy Hotels, Blue Apron, the Holocaust Museum, and my podiatrist.

Support for WNYC is brought to you by: Leafy Greens. You look a little pale. Are you getting enough leafy greens? I’ll put some loose kale in a Tupperware for you to take home.

Support for WNYC is brought to you by: Love You! Just wanted to let you know.

Support for WNYC is brought to you by: I Can’t Hear Myself Think. Can everyone just shut up for a minute?