Olympic Gymnast or Me, a Middle-Aged Woman?

1. I’ve put this body through a lot.

2. I’ve done the same routine over and over for years.

3. I wear a nerdy windbreaker.

4. One of my most important goals is getting as much gold as possible.

5. People suspect I’m a different age than I say I am, but no one’s been able to prove it.

6. It takes a lot of product and an almost bizarre number of pins to keep my hair where I want it.

7. At this point, I’m pretty unabashed about picking my wedgie.

8. I have a complicated relationship with bars.

9. I’m always concentrating really hard on not falling.

10. Sometimes it’s the bars that make me fall.

11. I never score as much as I want.

12. There’s a lot of tape on various parts of my toes and feet.

13. The skin on my hands is dry and chalky.

14. Most of my smiles are fake.

15. Anyone who witnesses me exercising on the floor feels nervous, anticipating everything that could go wrong.

16. I have random pain all over my body.

17. Part of my mind is always preoccupied with the next vault I have to clear.

18. I’m constantly bending over backward for everyone.

19. I shoplift candy bars from CVS to feel alive and then, as soon as I get out to my car, shove them all in my mouth at once while sobbing about my newfound invisibility.

20. You don’t know exactly when, but you can be sure I’m going to flip.

Olympic gymnast: 1–18, 20
Middle-aged woman: 1–20