An Oral History of My Aging Body

EYES: Not to brag, but we were among the first to go. We’ve required glasses or contact lenses for decades.

STOMACH: Eyes said that? No, I was definitely the first—not to mention the worst.

EYES: I guess I started to act up around the same time as Stomach. That was quite a year.

EARS: We got damaged early on, with all the loud music, but she didn’t really know it was happening at the time. Then years later, tinnitus. We’re sneaky like that.

BRAIN: I’ve always been a little different. Can’t do math, but can remember every song lyric ever. Ears played a role in that too.

FEET: We’ve always been problematic. But we’ve really ramped things up over the last several years. The need for orthotic insoles? That’s all us.

BLADDER: I work overtime all the time. During the day, at night, I never stop.

BACK: I’ve also been bringing the pain for years. I think it really got started when we had that visitor in the body for a while. Remember that guy? Ask some of the other body parts. They’ll tell you all about it.

UTERUS, VAGINA, and BREASTS: Oh, we remember. We’ve never been the same since then.

BLADDER: He used to really put the pressure on me. Where is he these days?

EYES: He’s right over there, playing video games.

SHOULDERS: Lately we’ve been the star of the show, with adhesive capsulitis and tendonitis. Physical therapy twice a week.

BRAIN: She also needs weekly psychotherapy.

SKIN: She spends a lot of time on me. Moisturizing me, protecting me from the sun. Every now and then, she thinks about getting Botox, but Brain talks her out of it.

LEFT KNEE: I’ve started giving a little twinge now and then just to get in on the act.

BRAIN (singing): “What’s the frequency, Kenneth?” is your Benzedrine, uh-huh!

HORMONES: Shoulders think they just started doing all that on their own? Ha! That’s me, Hormones. Shoulders don’t want to give me any credit, but ask anyone. They’ll tell you. It’s true.

NOSE: I contribute a lot, too, to the overall vibe. I have terrible allergies and get really congested, but I’m extremely sensitive to smells—in that regard, I get to work closely with Brain and Stomach.

HANDS: We do so much. We type constantly. We cook, we clean, we can play ukulele. And now we’ve got carpal tunnel syndrome.

EYES: You think Hands have it bad? In our younger years, we were nearsighted. But now we’re also developing presbyopia.

TEETH: We’ve needed extensive dental work over the years, including two oral surgeries.

STOMACH: You wouldn’t believe the number of vacations I’ve ruined, and every time she has to go to a restaurant, it’s like playing Russian roulette. But I don’t just make trouble for special occasions. Oh, no. Just trying to keep a regular job? Ha ha ha.

BRAIN: We probably play a role in all the Stomach stuff. Ever hear of the gut-brain connection?

STOMACH: Is Brain trying to take all the credit for my work? Because it definitely isn’t just Brain that’s been causing diarrhea, heartburn, and all that other GI stuff over the years.

HORMONES: Lately, we’ve been having a lot of fun working with Sweat Glands, especially at night when Brain is trying to rest.

HAIR: I know she’s always had a love-hate relationship with me. There’s a lot of me, both on the head and on the body. She actually gets a lot of compliments on me, though. And now I’m turning a lovely shade of gray.

BRAIN: This is all starting to depress me a little bit, if I’m being completely honest. But don’t worry, soon I’ll get a burst of energy, followed by deep focus, then boredom.

RIGHT ANKLE: She fell on me about six weeks ago, and I’ve been a little funky ever since then.

BRAIN: Hey, how about some more coffee?

BLADDER: Oh my god, the coffee. Did you talk to Brain and Stomach about that already?

STOMACH: She really needs to cut it out with the coffee.

BLADDER: Are we almost done here? Because I need to go.

EYES: (Rolling.)