Here’s Why I Decided To Buy ‘The Onion’

Since Global Tetrahedron bought this publication several months ago, there has been significant chatter about who our company is and what it represents. Much has been made of my past as a tech entrepreneur, venture capitalist, human trafficker, and philanthropist. Some have questioned what interest we—a multinational behemoth with a portfolio encompassing everything from Lockheed Martin to the world’s largest puppy mill—could have in buying America’s Finest News Source.

Put simply, we understand that The Onion is special, and Global Tetrahedron’s entire executive team is dedicated to extracting all the value we can from that specialness.

During my years on our board, I have bought and looted many companies, including Boeing, Enron, Lehman Brothers, and Fannie Mae. But the media industry, in its already vulnerable state, seemed like a particularly ripe opportunity. We didn’t just see dollar signs when we looked at The Onion. Rather, we saw a strategic step forward for Global Tetrahedron LLC and Tetrahedron Holdings into the realms of population control and election manipulation. It’s a bet not just on the heartbeat of now, but also on the heartbeat of next.

It’s a bet I truly believe in.

So my vision for The Onion isn’t just one of corporate dominance. It’s also personal. That’s why I want to assure concerned readers that I will be as hands-on in The Onion’s daily operations as humanly possible. For example, I have already met one-on-one with every reporter, editor, and photojournalist at The Onion in order to penetrate them. I felt nothing. Not even when I was inside them.

But who am I and what do I bring to the leadership equation? I’m glad you asked. 

Back in 1979, I was born into humble beginnings from my mother’s womb. When I was gestating, I eliminated many redundancies in her body, including a kidney, her fallopian tubes, and one of her lungs. At 7, my father enrolled me at Phillips Exeter Academy, where I began my corporate journey by buying, selling, and gutting the student newspaper.

Years later, I graduated from Harvard, earning a B.A. with a major in raping and a minor in pillaging. At Yale School of Management, I studied under such esteemed minds as Timothy Geithner and my dad, the petrochemical magnate Howard Tetraeder. After heading Global Tetrahedron’s corporate ransom division, I took a key role in such acquisitions as Dixie Cups, Eleventh Finger LLC, Monsanto, Monsanto Kids, Monsánto Latino, and the nation of Brazil.

Despite my corporate background, I’ve always seen myself as more aligned with the mavericks in Silicon Valley. Artificial intelligence, drone weaponry, robotic sex partners, deep-learning Sybians, and life-prolongment technology—all that and more will be crucial to the future economy. Recently, I took an unforgettable trip to Peru to ingest ayahuasca and discuss exactly these developments. When I awoke from my drug-induced trance, I was covered in blood, and the shaman I had hired was screaming.

The idea occurred to me then: Print. Print is the future. That evening, I had my assistant call up Henrietta Zweibel, the 87-year-old descendant of this paper’s founder. On that very phone call, I proposed to her that Global Tetrahedron acquire a controlling stake in The Onion. To seal the deal, I made a business pact in parabiotic blood, extracted and cleansed from my 17-year-old nephew. The rest, as they say, is history.

Where, then, do I see the future of media? I see a future where all the world’s publications are either bankrupt or owned by a private holding company that manipulates them for profit and glory. I see a future where—science be damned—The Onion establishes the first manned news outpost on Neptune. I see a future where the mud slung at philanthropist and personal friend Jeffrey Epstein is finally cleaned away and justice is done.

It’s a future I could not be more excited about.

Indeed, what you now can hold in your hands—a print edition of The Onion—is the fruit of my forward-looking vision. For only with print can we ever hope to target readers too stupid or infirm to use the internet. Only through print can we tell imbeciles like yourself precisely how to think in a single, unswerving voice.

So, please, enjoy perusing the first physical issue of this publication in over a decade. The road here was long and grueling. Many employees did not live to see today, particularly those who died under tragic circumstances aboard my megayacht, The Asimov, several weeks ago. But today is not about them. Today is about Global Tetrahedron and, of course, myself.

Personally, nothing brings me more fulfillment—more joy—than taking something beloved and stomping it into an unrecognizable oblivion. May Global Tetrahedron create a world where only the rich shall prosper, and nothing pure will ever exist again.

Infinite Growth Forever,

Bryce P. Tetraeder, Global Tetrahedron CEO

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