Stammering Democrats Unsure How To Accept Positive Feedback

CHICAGO—Admitting this was the first time in quite a while they’d heard anything remotely close to positive feedback, stammering and confused Democratic National Committee leaders were reportedly unsure Monday how to process newfound praise from their constituents. “You like the candidates? Really? That’s…huh,” DNC chair Jaime Harrison said to a group of voters on the opening day of his party’s convention, later telling reporters that it was bewildering to name the Democratic nominees for president and vice president and not be greeted with indifference or resentment. “We’re going with Kamala Harris and Tim Walz—who, don’t get me wrong, are great—but you guys…you’re okay with them, too? Wow. I don’t even… But you seem pretty happy. This isn’t some kind of trick, is it? Because this isn’t even a ticket anyone voted on at the polls.” At press time, Harrison appeared to leap back in fear and demanded to know why so many Democratic voters were turning up the corners of their mouths, exposing their teeth, and clapping their hands together at a rapid pace.

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