Dorothy Peter Parker

“With great power comes zero responsibility.”

“I’d rather endure a radioactive spider bite than a mediocre writer’s diatribe.”

“I’m not a hero. I’m a high-functioning alcoholic with a typewriter.”

“Never trust a person wearing green. Green is the color of goblins, envy, and the well-manicured lawns of people who never shut up about their goddamn flowerbeds.”

“I’m your friendly neighborhood despiser.”

“It’s not about the pen. It’s what you do with the pen that defines you, a dullard with ink.”

“We all wear masks. Some are figurative, others are made of cheap cosmetics and smudge in the heat.”

“I’ve stopped reading what the newspapers have to say about me. None of it is true. Except for the parts that are.”

“Everyone also has a part of themselves they would hide if they had an ounce of dignity.”

“One thing people love more than a writer is to see a writer fail so miserably that after they compose, they decompose.”

“What’s my superpower? My body heals itself from all injuries, so long as I have a chilled martini glass and a bartender with a heavy pour.”

“A well-constructed costume must be worn whenever one’s enemies are nearby.”

“My spiteful sense is always tingling.”