We Have Updated Our Children’s Menu Options to Better Reflect What We See Your Children Doing in Our Restaurant

Thing with Ketchup, $10.99
What is the “thing” that comes with this ketchup, you ask? Surely you know by now that it doesn’t matter in the slightest, as whatever it is will serve only as a delivery method for your child to get as much ketchup in their mouth as possible before pulling out the completely uneaten thing once they have sucked the ketchup dry. So whether it’s chicken nuggets, French fries, or something more mysterious but probably nontoxic that we found in the back of the kitchen, rest assured that the only person who might actually digest any of it is you, provided you prefer your food drenched in toddler saliva.

$15
Rather than paying us $15 for an entree your child will insist they want until we actually serve it to them, this option has you just give us $15 in exchange for nothing. It saves you from trying to convince your child to eat, and it saves us from throwing out another untouched mini cheese pizza. Win-win.

Guilt, $8.99
Is it guilt over the amount of food you already know you will waste before even ordering anything? Guilt over having to pull up Cocomelon on YouTube just to get your child to stay seated long enough for you to eat one third of your meal? Guilt over taking them out to dinner in the first place rather than cooking them a delicious and nutritious meal at home? Whatever it is, $8.99 seems fair enough.

Macaroni and Cheese, but We Don’t Cook It the Way You Do, so Even Though Your Child Will Get Very Excited Upon Seeing It on the Menu Since It’s Their Favorite Food, They Will Burst into Tears and Say It Looks Wrong When It Comes Out, and You Won’t Be Able to Calm Them Down, and Everyone Else in the Restaurant Will Spend the Rest of Their Evenings Talking About What a Bad Parent You Are, $12.99
Bon appetit!

All of the Inedible Stuff, $11.99
Who needs all the stress of trying to get your child to eat food when you can instead have the stress of trying to get your child not to eat the straw, crayons, utensils, and placemat? Add three molecules of spaghetti to the crayons for $5 extra.

Braised Haddock, $10.99
We’re not sure why this is on the children’s menu either. No one has ever ordered it, and we’re unsure what happens if you do. Probably some type of Saturday Night Live Diner Lobster scenario.

What Mama Is Having, $8.99
Yes, we know Mama is having a very spicy bone-in chicken dish that made the server’s eyes water, but this does not matter. Mama has it, so it must rightfully and immediately belong to her child, according to her child. Dada can try to offer some of his burger instead, but this will not work.

Thing Your Child Liked Yesterday, $9.99
They don’t like it anymore.

Cheerio Your Child Just Spotted on the Floor, $7.99
Sure, you’ve been unsuccessfully trying to give them Cheerios from a snack container for the past fifteen minutes, but those can’t compare to the tantalizing possibilities offered by the one on the floor that some other family must have left behind. What could that gray speck on it be? A previously undiscovered material that gives superpowers to whoever digests it? Dust? Probably the former, but they should eat it just to be sure.

Lollipop, $42.00
You will be willing to pay any price for this by the end of the meal.