Dear Abby: I’d love a child but fear the risks of being pregnant

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for two years, together for five. He's a wonderful man I love dearly. I always felt called to be a mother, and he has expressed the same about being a father. He would be an incredible father, and I'd love nothing more than to raise children with him.

The conflict is that, over the past year or so, I have learned much more about pregnancy and childbirth and what they can put the mother through emotionally and physically. A number of my friends who have given birth recently had serious complications.

Abby, after learning all this information, I'm terrified of being pregnant. So many things can go wrong, and I have a chronic illness that likely will be exacerbated by pregnancy. I also question the ethics of bringing a child into this world, knowing how horrible a place it is, and there are so many children who need a home already, but that's minor compared to my fear of health issues.

My husband does not want to adopt our first child unless we are unable to conceive or I am unable to carry the child, but he's open to adopting after we've tried for one of our own. Adoption or surrogacy isn't financially feasible for us anyway.

I don't know how to tell him I don't want to carry a child — ever. We are a little older, so my biological clock is ticking. How can I get over my terror to give us something we both deeply want? — TERRIFIED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR TERRIFIED: I discussed your letter with Beverly Hills OB/GYN Michele Milovina. The first words out of her mouth were, "That's a very common question," if it makes you feel any better.

Dr. Milovina went on to say that if someone (like yourself) is afraid because of a preexisting health condition, it's time to schedule a preconception visit with an OB/GYN or perinatologist. A perinatologist is a physician who specializes in high-risk pregnancies. You can then get real percentages and numbers and make an informed decision.

If you are still fearful, a reproductive psychiatrist (yes, there is such a specialty) may help to quell your fears. You can include your husband in these visits because this is a decision that should be made together with him.

DEAR ABBY: I'm part of a group of four girlfriends. We gather for all of our birthdays and treat the birthday girl to dinner at a restaurant of her choice. However, one girl in the group orders several expensive cocktails, and the bill comes out to be a fortune. She seems to have no regard when it comes to the bill.

This friend's birthday is coming up soon, and she has chosen a very pricey restaurant where the bill will be a minimum of $900 for four people. I'm scared to think about it. How do we nicely tell her she has gone overboard, or do we just not say anything at all? — TOO MUCH IN MIAMI

DEAR TOO MUCH: What "we" say to the birthday girl is that her choice of this restaurant is going to cost more than any of you can comfortably afford, and to please make another selection that will fit into your budgets. Order a bottle of wine and skip the cocktails.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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