I’m a Good, Normal Family Man Who Just Wants to Inspect Your Genitals Before You Pee
“G.O.P. lawmakers whose leaders have pressed to roll back transgender rights around the country moved to bar Sarah McBride, the first transgender member of Congress, from women’s rooms on Capitol Hill.” — New York Times
I’m a family man with a biological woman wife and four beautiful kids: Paelyn, Kaelyn, McKaelyn, and Matt. Each day, I wake up, and I worry about the safety of those children. That’s why I believe I have a moral and civic obligation to take a long, hard look at the genitals of every single person who wants to use the bathroom before allowing them to pee.
Look, I’m a simple guy, and I believe in simple things. A cold beer on a hot night. Church on Sunday. Having a huge truck with those LED headlights that blind the drivers of oncoming cars. Forcing every single American to tear off their underwear and let me take a little look-see at their nether regions before they relieve themselves.
As a God-fearing citizen, I want the Ten Commandments in every classroom, a sexual predator in every cabinet position, and for a good man—like me, for instance—to stand sentry outside every bathroom door in America, so I can conduct a thorough investigation of the groin of every person who passes through.
This is what America wants. This is what America NEEDS. You know what Americans are tired of? I’m hearing you say the price of eggs. Shut up about the eggs! Since when have people eaten so many eggs?!
No, this is about all these woke freaks imposing their “pronouns” on me. This is about a barista who asked me if I wanted oat milk. This is about how you’re not even allowed to solicit a seventeen-year-old girl for sex without everybody getting mad at you—even if you pay her in full. The Left is firing shots in a culture war, and I, for one, will NOT just sit idly by. I am FIGHTING BACK. I am TAKING A STAND outside of EVERY RESTROOM from sea to shining sea, demanding that every person strip from the waist down right there in the hallway while I bust out my magnifying glass and take a gander at what you’re working with.
Hey, I’m just a man who cares about kids. I want to protect them from this big, bad world. That’s why you can always find me yelling at the umpire during a Little League game, telling your eight-year-old girl that she’s going to be a real heartbreaker someday, and banning drag queen story hour at your local library. So you can see why it’s so important for me, a regular dude, to get an up-close-and-personal look at your loins before you take a pee-pee.
The radical left would have you believe that this effort of mine is nothing more than a vile campaign of bullying and harassment—a warm-up for the bullying and harassment I’d like to inflict on all women everywhere, not just trans women in congressional bathrooms. I will have you know that this is totally not about that. Just like how this is not about the gnawing fear I have, deep in the night, that time comes for us all—a harrowing sense of my impending obsolescence, the realization that popular culture is no longer aimed at my particular tastes, that my way of seeing the world is not the only way of seeing the world, and maybe it never was. That even though I wish I could feel empowered by the sight of someone else being exactly who they are, with courage and integrity in the face of relentless cruelty, instead, this person’s commitment to self-liberation floods me with shame and horror as I realize that I have denied myself so much in this life, and it is late in my life, perhaps too late, to ever be truly free.
I mean, come on, this is obviously not that! So weird of you to bring that up. This is just about how no one in this country will be safe until I am allowed to play doctor with each and every one of you every single time you use the bathroom.