Linda McMahon Is Ready to Pile-Drive the Department of Education

“President-elect Donald Trump on Tuesday named Linda McMahon, a former World Wrestling Entertainment executive who served in the first Trump administration, as his pick to lead the Education Department.” – NBC News

I am honored to accept President-elect Trump’s nomination as the next United States secretary of education. In a world ruined by “gentle parenting” and participation trophies, I am proud to know I have earned this nomination.

It makes total sense for this to be happening.

After all, while you may know me as the multi-billionaire co-founder of the WWE, there’s so much more to my background that makes me uniquely qualified to oversee a national public school system that serves forty-nine million children. For example, fifty years ago, I majored in French, and in the decades since then, I have been rich.

Donald Trump and I believe that America’s parents and schoolchildren are under attack by the Left. I intend to vigorously defend them, just as vigorously as I will continue to defend myself in the ongoing sex abuse and grooming lawsuit I am currently named in.

Some have expressed surprise or confusion that Trump tapped me as his education pick, but what they don’t understand is that the minute I start to get tired or overwhelmed, I’ll just tap him back in.

Make no mistake: I intend to bring my experience running the WWE to our schoolchildren, and we’ll overhaul the public school system on day one. Change in our schools must start with how we allocate our funds. The education budget is out of control. So rest assured that under my leadership, teachers will no longer have a salary, books will be pay-per-view, and the budget for folding chairs will be $390 trillion.

Those who advocate for a return to curricula that emphasize life skills will be thrilled to learn that I will be reintroducing home ec classes, taught by Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, who will end each class with his signature catchphrase, “I thought this was an acting gig, and I’m becoming concerned that it’s not. Can someone call my agent?”

I’ve received many questions about how I’ll handle the school lunches issue. Without giving too much away, I’ll just say that, just like RFK Jr., I prefer my cartons of milk the same way I like my Monday night WWE programming: raw.

Culturally responsive teaching practices won’t be going anywhere. Our children should learn about various ethnic traditions and practices, from the Japanese Arm Drag to the Russian Leg Sweep to the Irish Whip.

Previous educational policies have failed. We tried No Child Left Behind, and that didn’t work. Under my leadership, we’ll be approaching the problem of educational equity by providing students on the honor roll with mandatory concussions.

My philosophy is that governmental overreach has complicated and destroyed our education system. The WWE has long been a vocal advocate for a back-to-basics approach to curricular reform. After all, that’s what WWE stands for: Wreading, Writing, and Erithmetic.

Our English and language arts curricula will emphasize real-world applications of grammatical conventions, like prepositions. For example, from now on, teachers are allowed to throw students THROUGH the ropes, but they cannot throw them OVER the ropes.

I understand that an effective secretary of education must be flexible and adaptable to whatever the position throws her way, and my work history shows that I’m up for the job. For example, when the World Wildlife Fund (WWF) sued us, we changed our name to the WWE, a pivot I took in stride even as I was privately distressed that this change distracted us from the work I originally hoped to do: smackin’ pandas.

Indeed, longtime fans will know that before the WWE was the WWF, it was also known as the CWC, the NWA, and the WWWF. So, I understand what really matters in education: screwing around with acronyms and avoiding litigation.

My entire reputation and my career in professional wrestling have been built on men and women who take performance-enhancing drugs while going by a chosen name. Because of this, I am thrilled to lead President-elect Trump’s ongoing crusade against trans children.

And let me be clear: Under my leadership, teachers can keep those “Hang In There” posters with the kitten dangling from the tree branch up in their classrooms. However, they will be legally required to add a second poster beneath that poster of a smaller kitten that the “Hang In There” kitten is about to drop onto and absolutely OBLITERATE with a devastating Shooting Star Elbow Drop Finish.