Dear Abby: Fiancé blabs to parents about our issues instead of trying to work them out
DEAR ABBY: I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. We broke up for a while, but got back together and have been doing great, and we got engaged six months ago. Last week, we had a huge fight, where all my bottled-up resentment came out. I have tried to communicate my needs, but while he changes briefly, things always revert back to the same.
We're supposed to get married in nine months at his parents' place, but after the fight, thinking we were done, he told them all our issues. Now they want us to postpone the wedding, saying we're unstable. I had no issues with his parents before this. They loved me. I'm furious that he ran to them instead of working things out with me. I feel like he did us a massive disservice by blabbing to his parents.
I have been asking for couples counseling for months, and he always refused — until now. I'm no longer sure I want to marry him. I feel like his parents have crossed a boundary, and so has he. What should I do? — HOLDING IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR HOLDING: Be glad this has happened. Your relationship with your fiance IS "unstable." You now know that when things become difficult, he will run to his parents rather than try to work it out with you.
If this is a deal-breaker and you no longer wish to marry him, tell him it's over. HOWEVER, if you think counseling could help the two of you communicate better, take him up on "his suggestion" and get a referral to a licensed professional who can give you premarital counseling. It's an investment that could pay off in many ways.
DEAR ABBY: My close friend "Janine" complains to me about the horrible way her daughter speaks to her and always brings up the past. Janine has asked her daughter to forgive her for anything done in her childhood that has caused her grief. She has apologized hundreds of times, but her daughter won't drop it.
Janine's counselor told her to quit allowing her daughter to treat her disrespectfully, so she has stayed away with no contact. Now her daughter has reached out saying she really wants a relationship with her, but they would have to agree to disagree because she wasn't going to change and knew her mom wasn't going to, either.
Janine found religion years ago and she has changed. I told her she needs to establish boundaries for herself and not allow anyone to cross them. She is not really sure how to handle this situation and feels guilty about the whole thing. What's your opinion on this matter? — PAINED FRIEND IN VIRGINIA
DEAR FRIEND: Not knowing how abusive your friend Janine may have been to her daughter when she was young, I hesitate to render an opinion. I do, however, think it would be in everyone's best interest if Janine would accept her daughter's olive branch ON THE CONDITION THAT THEY SCHEDULE SOME SESSIONS WITH JANINE'S COUNSELOR TO MEDIATE. If they do this, it may be more enlightening and less painful for both of them, and it may open a healthy line of communication.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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