Mariah Carey: A Career Timeline

Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas Is You” turns 30 years old this holiday season. The Onion looks back on Mariah Carey’s career in honor of the Christmas hit.

4 B.C.: The son of God is delivered unto man, and the Lord in Heaven dispatches an angel to sing his word each solstice hitherto.

1969: Post-birth first cry shatters every piece of glass in Long Island Community Hospital.

1975: Carey’s rendition of “Happy Birthday” at a classmate’s party is, quite frankly, unremarkable.

1993: Moves into the Macy’s bedding department while writing her first Christmas album in order to better understand the culture she wants to represent. 

1994: Carey releases “All I Want for Christmas Is You” after her record label worries the original version “All I Want for Christmas Is for O. J. Simpson to Be Found Guilty” would be too controversial.

2001: Osama bin Laden carries out 9/11 attacks to ensure Glitter flops at the box office.

2003: Watches America sleepwalk into war with Iraq.

2009: Takes one goddamn minute for herself, you jackals.

2017: Appears in The Lego Batman Movie because sure, why not.

2024: Cements her title as the Queen of Christmas by marrying Charlie Brown.

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